The sleep doctor

I am doing my anaesthetic rotation right now and to my dismay, I enjoy it so much. Many of my friends hate it because of its lack of human interaction but there is something about being on the end of the operation table, behind the screen created by the sterile drape, and ensuring the patient is in deep sleep so that he or she does not feel any pain. 

When I told my friends that I really like anaesthesia, they were surprised because they thought it would be too gloomy for me. I am surprised myself too.



I feel that anaesthesiologists do not get much credit they deserve. Imagine going through surgery fully awake and conscious. We would die from the pain, if anything else. 


The fourth case scheduled for the OT I was assigned to was a gynae-onco case. The patient was a lovely 57 years old lady who did not scream or yell when I inserted a second IV line on her hand. She had stage 4 ovarian cancer which was sticking to her bowel. I took a look at her CT and the radiology report. Her cancer was massive. It was bigger than a newborn size. Her husband has passed away and they had no kids. As a lady from a remote area in Malaysia, she thought what she was having could have been treated with traditional massage. She held my hand before she slept and asked me to pray for her.

My anaesthesiologists had discussions about her.

"This patient has diabetes, hypertension and congestive heart failure. Her ejection fraction is not great either"
"Her Hb was 8, then they transfused 2 pints. Now it's 10"
"Put arterial line and central venous line"
"I am going to put another IV line to anticipate things"


The Gynaecology resident came in and when she saw how my consultant was scrubbing in and getting ready to insert a central venous line.

" Ah, you guys are inserting a central venous line? That means this case will not be starting soon!"

My anaesthesiologist shot back.

"You do know that we won't be doing all these unless they are really necessary. And your department has the worst mortality rate. We are doing you a favour so that the patient does not die from massive blood loss as you guys cut her open."

Arterial line was inserted because she wanted real time more accurate blood pressure monitoring. Central venous line for not overloading the patient with fluid given her heart status that was unable to pump effectively. Arterial blood gasses were taken through out the surgery to ensure that all electrolytes were normal and she was not retaining carbon dioxide. Heart rate was kept to below 80 in order to not tire her heart. Emergency meds were on a tray to anticipate bad things. 


Medicine is more than just science and knowledge. It is an ever evolving art. Despite the stress and ever constant struggles, I am grateful to be a doctor. 

Better by Atul Gawande

My friend said ," Weird, I don't remember you as an intense reader back then."

Well, now that I am in the last bit of medical school without (major) exams, I have time to do what I have always loved the most. And, I guess I am just trying to learn and distract myself from whatever is bugging me. And so far, it has been working really well.

Right now, I am reading Complications by Atul Gawande.

Perhaps, if you are a medical student or geriatrician or a social worker, you have come across his more well renowned work, Being Mortal, which is really good as well.

However, I prefer this book as it highlights what has been missing in me to become a successful doctor.

Diligence is a perpetual effort.

That's the most striking sentence I have read in the book so far. 

I could have achieved better marks, lost weight, had better skin and sofort if I had had sticked to whatever regime I was doing and perpetually improving it. 

Basically, I am lacking diligence in my life. I am just not patient enough to keep putting effort and strive for the excellence and greatness in my life like what other doctors have done.

A lot of great figures in the past are obsessed with perfection and borderline OCD if I may say so ( no offence to people with OCD ). 

Thank you Atul for making me aware of this before I fully embark on my medical career.

how to accept criticism when you least expect it

since i passed my number to this guy, let's call him max, we have been texting ever since. and i kinda like it because it keeps me excited through out the day and he is a chronic texter, just like me.

anyway, last night he accidentally said that one of our mutual friends whom i used to be really close with told him that he actually could not handle my talkativeness. 

after all this time he used to tell me his problems and how he claimed to feel that he clicks with me yada yada yada, he told his friend that he thinks i am talkative.


moments like this are so painful to me because i was trying to be a good friend but apparently i was not.


:'(


i am trying to be a bigger person and telling myself that it is better that i know now and change myself so there will not be anything like this in the future.

but at the same time, it is so hard to accept the truth.

the one

have you ever wondered when and where you are going to meet the guy who is going to be your 'the one'?

please take note that i am aware that life is not a fairytale and my 'the one' will not be a guy with a colgate smile and a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

but i always think about this whenever i am alone. my housemates all have boyfriends and i don't. my sister has a boyfriend. my best friends all have boyfriends. my brother has an on-off girlfriend. sometimes i wonder whether i am really weird and ugly that i always attract the wrong guys. and these anxieties of mine have caused me to jump into attractions with guys rather fast just to watch how these guys are actually never going to make me happy in the long run.

sometimes i tell myself, if i eat healthy enough, lose significant amount of weight, wear nice clothes and become a doctor then 'the one' will come.

i want someone to be able to give me that sense of security, tell me that everything is going to be alright regardless.

dating deal breaker

after class with one of my favorite tutors, i did not know how and why, we started talking about dating. knowing that i am not malaysian, she jokingly told me to marry a malaysian so that i can get a housemanship in malaysia.

and i told her my mom actually has some plans up her sleeve to matchmake me this august!

and she was so surprised to hear that and know that i have no problems with that.

i went on to tell her that my biggest dating deal breaker is if my family does not approve my guy.

everyone in my group was so surprised and told me how i am such a good daughter...to my disbelief...

i just really value my family i guess. considering all the hardships that we have gone through and how they are working so hard to pay my tuition fee! and wouldn't it be great if all of my siblings' spouses can hang out with mine and my mother? 

but the thing is, finding someone who satisfies my family is really really tough. i would say it is even tougher than passing medical school. i understand where they are coming from though, they just want their little baby ( read: me) to be happy.

what do you think? what is your greatest dating deal breaker? 

currently listening to....

the song i have been playing on repeat to listen to while sipping a cup of hot lemon tea.

there is something about this song that just calms me down.

have a great night/day people :)

hair-o everyone!

not trying to brag here, but people always tell me that i have thick luscious mane which i can attribute to my dad. he is 53 and still not balding. and thanks to my mom's gene, i have a very light brown color which is quite unique for someone with chinese genes.

THANK YOU MOM AND DAD!

however.....

i have thick hair everywhere....

including my legs and arms....

and the worst part is....

whenever i shave i get the worst ingrown hair :(

waxing does not help too!


however i am always jealous whenever i see my friends with their hairless legs. this time i am going figure out a way to shave without causing major ingrown hairs and unsightly bumps.


does any of you have any tips and tricks to share?


love and dying to hear from you!

what does your name really mean?

i came across this website from other blogs and surprisingly... it is very true!

here i have copied and pasted my result

Bright, bold and rather authoritarian as well as quick tempered, these two certainly aren´t characterized by their discipline and flexibility... B   and W tend to be high handed and are often brittle, haughty and proud. Extremely confident, they usually have grandiose ambitions - especially since they are sensitive to external signs of wealth. Such tendencies coupled with a determination to succeed, lead them to constantly seek bigger, better and more. They may have difficulty sitting still or doing nothing for any length of time and are usually active and dynamic. And yet the results do not always live up to their efforts, indeed their lives can be quite disorganized and their minds just as messy. These very inquisitive women want to know almost everything, however they can easily flit from one subject to another, not necessarily get to the bottom of things. They like change and are disposed to frequent soul searching, not without certain risks. Even so, this is much preferable to a life of routine and monotony, of which they would quickly tire. They cherish their freedom and are die-hard feminists: women´s liberation is much more than just an idea! At the same time they possess a certain charm and an insatiable zest for life. They are pleasant and likeable, and are partisans of the saying “Enjoy yourself, it is later than you thinkrdquo;.... As children, B and W need stable reference points and a relatively strict upbringing, because they tend to impose their views and desires on others through their capricious behavior, jealousy and possessiveness. It would be wise to impart the value of sharing very early on in life. They would equally benefit from developing their social skills so as to avoid becoming too self-centered. Not particularly conciliatory, they are critical thinking and analytical whilst themselves remaining extremely hypersensitive.

i have to concur with most of the things they have written about me except for the authoritarian part. i do not think i am that controlling....

go check out yours! it is quite fun! :)

safety net

so my friend, let's call him MA, has been going through a very bad break-up.

i remember when he first introduced me to the girl who would eventually break his heart. it was at a house warming party where he had cooked amazing dishes. then suddenly this girl with a sweet smile arrived and he introduced me to her. 

'hi my name is E'

she looked nice.

MA started telling me all wonderful things about her. and when they got together, i was one of the first few people he announced the great news to. i was thrilled for them. they look cute together.

this was two years ago.

a few weeks ago MA told me how they were on the rocks and she met a personal trainer at the gym and their romantic pictures.


and after a long winding road of arguments and emotional turbulences, my friend decided to give up.


and just when he decided to give up, this girl started texting him sweet things but at the same time still posts pictures of her and the new guy.


my point? 


if you are going to settle for another guy, do not make your ex-boyfriend your safety net. i was guilty of this too. 

i understand that somehow feelings change. for better or worse. but making someone your safety net is not right.

stupid mistakes and feelings

i am sorry about the blog hiatus but i have been feeling extremely down and started pitying myself again.

as i have written before over and over, i always blame myself after doing something stupid.

this time, i did not do something stupid per se but i kinda did a mistake. but it really annoyed me because:
1. it is something really preventable
2. i felt like i was not given a proper instruction and the mistake i did was not completely mine 
3. but i hated how i felt so and i should not have blamed others 
4. i hated how i reacted too!
5. and now i hate myself for how i have reacted

so i did the next best thing a very mature 22 years old girl can do.... CRY 

i know...i know....

at least i cried in my room? and no one knew except you guys.

but i just don't know whom to talk to. and sometimes, it is best not to talk to anyone about the feelings because the moment you talk about it, it is like breathing life into the feelings. it is alive and stars creating a stir inside you heart even more.

i am really trying to be a better person this year. a better friend and a better daughter. a better medical student. a better 22 years old me.

i just hate how i get down easily from things like this. and this needs to change.

have a great weekend!

love love love james bay. love his voice. and his face too ;)

and he has that johnny depp smile, no?

what are you doing this weekend?

i am just going to be a couch potato and snuggle around inside my blanket with my beloved pooh.

here are some links that i found interesting

an interesting view why people are mean

contemplating if i should go ahead and purchase this lovely beauty

who doesn't love a good plate of niçoise salad? especially when there are a lot of anchovies involved! oh, and make sure that the hard boiled egg is not overdone!

and i have to agree with this

ciao :) 

how to survive in your 20s.....NOT

whoever said that being in your 20s is the best part of your life is a big fat liar.

it is confusing.

just when i thought i am starting to get my shit together, society gives us chores, responsibilities and expectations to meet. and all of them come with a deadline - which is NOW.

well, i kinda figured out that all the stupid mini dresses and skirts i bought at h&m were mistakes.

i figured out that looks matters A LOT to guys.

i figured out that lacy underwears are so comfortable.

i figured out that i do not have to look like a hobo to be fashionable and stylish. neither do i have to wear super expensive things. ( but a chanel bag never hurts anyone)

i figured out that i feel lonely but am not lonely most of the time.

i figured out that after all this time i actually do not really like wearing nail polish.

i figured out that smoking weed is not as cool as i thought before.

but

i have not figured out why i am so insecure.

i have not figured out why i always blabber and cannot shut my mouth when i need to.

i have not figured out why i let my mood control the better part of me.

i have not figured out how to stop procrastinating.

i have not figured out how to look effortlessly put together.

i have not figured out how to attract the right guy.

i have not figured out how to not overspend on some organic stuffs while doing grocery.

i wish there is a guide on how to survive in your 20s.

because i need it fucking bad.

the truth about learning

as you all know, i am in my fourth year in medical school. it is crazy, competitive and hectic. i always feel stupid and belittled by the vast amount of knowledge my peer knows way ahead before me. and every time i thought that i was catching up, they seemed to have gone another mile.

sometimes i just cry in my room because i am so overwhelmed. i feel like i am this small girl who is trapped in a 22 years old girl who is figuring out her life and at the same time i am a tortoise which has to catch up with the hare, and unlike in the world wide known fable, the hare we are talking about is anything but lazy.

i just want to be able to absorb things like a sponge.

learn things and make sure that they stay in my head.

and then i come across this piece of advice albert einstein has written for his son..

“That is the way to learn the most, that when you are doing something with such enjoyment that you don’t notice that the time passes.”

this quote really opened my eyes.

for those of you who are facing the same difficulty, i hope this can help.

ciao

xoxo

bad boy, bad move

so i had a date with the aforementioned guy. and the guy is a total womanizer. how do i know? because we used to hang out and he would tell me and my friends about his latest 'fun'. 

so we met up last wednesday for a couple of drinks ( or more ) and were simply catching up with each other lives. he told me how work is tiring for him and his mom is always nagging him. oh, and sorry i forgot to tell you that he is 29 years old. no, this was not a date.

as a bad boy as he is, he told me he wanted to come to my place to chill and smoke a baby joint. and i said okay but i would not smoke cos i am just not into it but i did not mind him coming over as he had done it in the past.

so... as he smoked in my balcony, i was just standing next to him... the next thing i knew, he put his arms around my shoulder and kissed me. and for God's sake i knew he was just playing around, being an opportunist and trying his luck. i knew what kind of guy he is exactly. yet i still fell for it. luckily not as hard as how i usually fall for this kinda guys.

we went for another date 3 days after and the same thing happened ( i would not bore you guys with details ) and this was the conversation that took place....

me   : i know you are just playing around and i do not intend to get hurt.
boy  : no no i am not playing around
me   : then why didn't you call me?
boy  : cos i am just right around the corner. listen, i will call you when i am in KL. i will come back next month.
me   : how do you know that i am not playing around?
boy  : because you are too nice.


so... it has been 3 days since he said that and still no call or text. and i just cannot be bothered:)

it feels good. i just do not care. i am disappointed at what i did but at the same time i think i made progress by moving on and not caring about him.


i just do not understand why we always fall for the ones that always make us cry and hurt us? always fall for the wrong ones? i am lucky enough to have my eyes open wide since the very beginning but i know there are other girls out there who are still in this vicious cycle.

have a great weekend!

this weekend has not been great to me since the package i have been waiting was delivered wrongly by the UPS guy and the person who took my package refused to return the package to me. 

but i refuse to let that bother me and am going to sleaze around before hectic medschool life kicks in.

https://emmablock.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/audrey-hepburn-style-icon.jpg

love this spread! have been guilty of snacking this whenever i am too lazy to cook

however, when i am not lazy, i am currently hooked on this recipe. healthy and easy.

can someone buy me this in every single color possible? i am hooked.

and i did not know this! would you try it? 

and this? seriously? 


have a great weekend!

mom's words

before i left home to continue my studies, i had a DNM ( Deep N' Meaningful ) conversation with my mom.

i used to fight a lot with my mom but as i grew older, i realised how similar we are and i have mistaken her love for something else.

she is one of the few people who know me really well.

when you were a fat kid, you will still carry that little bit of insecurity deep down inside of you. you try so hard to hide it with toughness or i don't care attitude. many people thought i am just a person who is truly independent and tough. but my mom sees beneath it all. 

she knows how insecure i am about my looks and my characters. how i always feel insecure whenever people compare me with my feminine sister. how i always feel little compared to all my friends who are already working and have boyfriends and seem to have their lives figured out.


" you know, do not think about having a boyfriend now. the path ahead of you is still long. many things are bound to happen to you, and also your friends. your friends might seem to have a better life than you now but it does not mean that you will not have one too. oh, and just aspire to be a better version of yourself too, i believe a smart girl like you will get an amazing guy in the end. just open your eyes wide and do not fall for their tricks "


thank you mom. thank you for your words of encouragement.

dear future boyfriend

dear future boyfriend,


i do not know where you are now but i am waiting for you to find me as i embark on the journey to be the best version of myself that i can be. 

i might not look like your typical girl when you see me. my good friends have told me i give out a certain 'i do not need guys in my life' vibe and my outfit does not help as loose shirt and straight jeans are what you will most likely see me in.

i hope you are in a journey to toughen up so that when we meet, you can handle me and all my emotional scars. i need someone who can lead me along the way. 

i cry for the silliest things. and do not cry for the more important things. 

you better earn a lot and that is not because i am materialistic but because i want you to be someone whom my brother will be able to trust to give me a life i deserve after 15 years of hardship since my father left me.

my family can seem tough but please get along well with them. they financed my education and they love me as much as they love themselves and i love them unconditionally too.

if you like to go clubbing, please be my guest as i will not say no but do not expect me to join too. i am not going to forbid you from having some fun with your boys.

but you better bring me to a date to a fancy coffee place and give me a nice journal instead of flowers to make it up :)


i hope by the time we meet, i will be an amazing doctor (who also looks good :p) and you will be this amazing guy who will swoon me.


xoxo

your future girlfriend

have a great sunday!

hi guys! what are you guys doing this sunday? i am planning to just laze around and enjoy some quality time at home. i have this brand new nail polish my friend got me and i have not used it, so why not use it before i go back to the hospital? :)

this color is called sweet star by chanel and it looks really nice. the color does not scream for attention yet the subtle sparkle still calls for it.

as i am going back to Malaysia, next Sunday, i am preparing myself to tackle major cleaning duties as my apartment has been left vacant for the past 2 months. i find this really helpful

and because i am guilty for having abandoned my window tracks too!

a super hilarious movie my friend recommended to me

my idea of comfort food in the middle of rainy season

the beauty product that has saved my face from all the pollution in Indonesia


love to hear from you!

xoxo

oldie but goodie: the english patient

betrayals in war are childlike compared to our betrayals during peace. new lovers are nervous and tender, but smash everything, for the heart is an organ on fire. - count almásy 

ralph fiennes never disappoints. 

for those who did not know, this is the very same guy who plays lord voldemort in the harry potter series! 

Have a great sunday!

it is sunday over here and i am planning to watch .....

WALLACE & GROMMIT!

they never fail to crack me up. especially grommit's eye movements. just adorable! :)



here are some links that might interest you and cheer up your weekend!



if these things are considered exercise, that means i am fit to enter a triathlon!

saving up money to buy these as they will look trés chic!

for fellow avocado enthusiasts out there! 

and this is just plain hilarious too :)


xoxo