A Meaningful Life

Taken at Bondi Beach during winter. This beach never fails to amaze me.

“For human beings, life is meaningful because it is a story. A story has a sense of a whole, and its arc is determined by the significant moments, the ones where something happens.”

Excerpt From: Gawande, Atul. “Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End.”

The sleep doctor

I am doing my anaesthetic rotation right now and to my dismay, I enjoy it so much. Many of my friends hate it because of its lack of human interaction but there is something about being on the end of the operation table, behind the screen created by the sterile drape, and ensuring the patient is in deep sleep so that he or she does not feel any pain. 

When I told my friends that I really like anaesthesia, they were surprised because they thought it would be too gloomy for me. I am surprised myself too.



I feel that anaesthesiologists do not get much credit they deserve. Imagine going through surgery fully awake and conscious. We would die from the pain, if anything else. 


The fourth case scheduled for the OT I was assigned to was a gynae-onco case. The patient was a lovely 57 years old lady who did not scream or yell when I inserted a second IV line on her hand. She had stage 4 ovarian cancer which was sticking to her bowel. I took a look at her CT and the radiology report. Her cancer was massive. It was bigger than a newborn size. Her husband has passed away and they had no kids. As a lady from a remote area in Malaysia, she thought what she was having could have been treated with traditional massage. She held my hand before she slept and asked me to pray for her.

My anaesthesiologists had discussions about her.

"This patient has diabetes, hypertension and congestive heart failure. Her ejection fraction is not great either"
"Her Hb was 8, then they transfused 2 pints. Now it's 10"
"Put arterial line and central venous line"
"I am going to put another IV line to anticipate things"


The Gynaecology resident came in and when she saw how my consultant was scrubbing in and getting ready to insert a central venous line.

" Ah, you guys are inserting a central venous line? That means this case will not be starting soon!"

My anaesthesiologist shot back.

"You do know that we won't be doing all these unless they are really necessary. And your department has the worst mortality rate. We are doing you a favour so that the patient does not die from massive blood loss as you guys cut her open."

Arterial line was inserted because she wanted real time more accurate blood pressure monitoring. Central venous line for not overloading the patient with fluid given her heart status that was unable to pump effectively. Arterial blood gasses were taken through out the surgery to ensure that all electrolytes were normal and she was not retaining carbon dioxide. Heart rate was kept to below 80 in order to not tire her heart. Emergency meds were on a tray to anticipate bad things. 


Medicine is more than just science and knowledge. It is an ever evolving art. Despite the stress and ever constant struggles, I am grateful to be a doctor. 

give me a freaking job already

Here I am sitting by myself in a coffee shop at Hilton Hotel in Sydney CBD writing this blog post.

Well, so a lot of things have been happening in the past few months. Let's recap what have been happening in my life.

1. I went through a general medicine/aged care rotation and breast surgery at Monash Health hospital and they were amazing. Learned a lot and realised how much I have to improve to be a competent intern.

2. I applied for jobs in 2017 and hopefully I will get one. Really hoping that I will either get one in Melbourne or Darwin.

3. I got a really bizarre but somewhat good e-mail from one of the hospitals which essentially says that because I am not Australian, I was not shortlisted for the interview however they are happy to include me into the PMCV internship matching thingy that is happening in a week or so. So if I do get a job, I will be hearing from them in a month or so. CROSSING MY FINGERS.

4. Right now I am in my last week of my elective rotation at Nepean Hospital and loving neurology because I have an awesome team! Not to mention, my resident is such an eye candy and I just love staring at his beautiful face.

5. J has moved on and got a new girlfriend. So happy about this. I am honestly ceebs about him and how stupid I am to have made so many stupid decisions in the past. Not going to settle for futureless guy ever again.

Kinda seeing T, this ABC guy from Melbourne, but honestly, if things do not work out, I cannot be arsed to do anything or to cry about it. It is just too much effort and stuffs. I am more bothered about getting an internship or job or figuring out how my future is going to turn out to be honest. I am so sick of not being able to stand on my own two feet. I know I need to hakuna my tatas but do you know that feeling that you are just so ready to earn your own moolah and you want to be independent and start giving back to the people who have given up so much for you. Basically that is what I feel and honestly I feel I am not bad at all. I am quite hardworking and keen to learn.

I am just tired of feeling like crap all the time and i just want to get a job now. Hopefully I do get a job. Otherwise I might as well kill myself. LOL. 

September goals

i cannot believe that it is september already. 10 more weeks to final exam and i will be going to the labour room starting next week, delivering babies!

it is going to be a roller coaster from here but i will try my best to not disappoint myself.

i am planning to:
1. stay healthy! nothing is worst than getting sick when exam is nearing. i am going to drink hot lemon honey every morning and get my workout done.
2. study efficiently and smartly. gonna try covering most of the GP topics in this month and start revising all the internal medicine and general surgery topics
3. save money. if i am going to buy myself a fancy watch by next year as i have been repeatedly telling myself, i better start saving money seriously from now on as those watches are costly as hell though i am getting the cheapest option.
4. throw away unwanted stuffs and put unnecessary things in a box. the least thing i need is a mess in my room when my mind is a mess due to exam stress.

Life in pics + may goals!

i did my third piercing on my right earlobe. hopefully this one will not get infected like the last one *crossing my fingers*

had coffee at acme bar and coffee at troika in KL. it was good and had a great time catching up with danisha :)

on the side note, I AM EXTREMELY BROKE. thanks to all the shopping i did while i was in KL. i spent a lot on food *DUH* and clothing. well, i bought a long dress for my cousin's wedding from karen millen *justifiable purchase in my opinion, especially since it was on sale!* and a boxy top from shopbop.

following the blogs i follow, i think it will be good to share some goals on my blog and revisit them every month. this month i shall:

1. study consistently

i want to really master my psychiatric knowledge since it is very interesting. i will make it a point to study on the weekends ( 2 hours of studying the clinical presentations and managements  and 2 hours of doing my assignments and 1 hour everyday at least to revise general medicine and general surgery stuffs )

2. SHOP LESS!

god, i really need to shop less. i really need to prioritise my spending. i definitely i didn't need to buy the boxy top from madewell but i bought it anyway and it is not even flattering on me! :'( well, i learnt my lesson the hard way. so this month, after the recent trip to KL, i shall not spend any more money on clothes until next semester.

3. lose weight

again, i weigh 66.5 now. i promised myself that i will be more toned and lean for my cousin's wedding in august since i do not want to embarrass my mom and i do not want to feel inferior compared to other girls. i will make it a point to eat healthily and control my sugar intake. and workout more! i know i can do this i just need to put more effort into it. i need to weigh 65 by the end of may.

4. blog consistently

i realize that when i blog consistently, i feel better emotionally. and i shall post at least 2x/week. 

5. be more fashionable

with all the new clothes i have purchased, i will make it a point to look more presentable. i shall talk about my fashion inspiration in my upcoming blog post.

thank you peeps for bothering to read my nonsense:) it really means a lot to me

xx

chain of the past

every time i want to move forward and tell myself i want to be a better person ladidadidum etc, i always find myself filled with disgust.

why you may ask

it is because i am so ashamed of what i did in the past.

i always think ' how could i do this? how could i have done that? what was i thinking? '

like most 20 years old girl with troubled family ( read : drug addict dad and broken family ) , i have issues with confidence, self-love/hate and perfection.

in most people's eyes, i am considered to be a decent girl. i have not had sex ( i , by no means, try to condescend people who have. it is just in my culture, people are still obsessed about this. i am deeply sorry for those who are offended ), am studying in medical school with decent grades ( recently scored the highest in the public health exam ) , do not go out smoking etc etc. in someone's eyes, i pretty much look like a girl next door.

but deep down lies this insecurity where i just need extra love where i can feel secure about myself.

i think that explains why i always get attracted to a new guy and get bored after 2 months and end up hurting myself and the guy.

so this year i told myself i should stop this vicious cycle.

but every time i tell myself, i end up remembering all the stupid things in the past and get sick of myself and want to cry. it is hard to tell yourself it is okay to let go of the past and move on. i am so scared of committing the same crime/mistake. 

i keep reiterating what i need to do to myself yet i find myself being belittled by my own inner voice that blames me, nothing can wash away the impurities.

does anyone out there feel the same?

cravings

what is wrong with girls and their endless craving for guys' attention?

so many dramas have arisen from this.

my friend happens to be the victim.


she is such a sweetheart with sparks in her eyes.

however many have judged her because of this. including me.


maybe i am writing this as a way to repent my sin. maybe i am not. but i know for a fact that i am writing this to save others from unnecessary dramas in the future.


because this insane craving, she fought with her 2 ex-bestfriends.

she knows what people think of her.


she is doing everything she can to fix her friendship.


but it is all too late now.



 

happier? yes..

actually, truth to be told..breaking up with S has made me quite a happier person if i see it from different perspectives. i get to spend more time with these amazing girls, study more, and work out more. i have made progress with my weight as well. now i weigh at 64. i still have a few more kgs to lose though.

medschool girls <3

hungry face!

elaine! my frenchy cherrie! <3

i have more time for myself. yes, the empty feeling after the break up is still there but i believe life has its own ways. sooner or later, both of us, S and i, would wake up and find that life is not that empty anymore. and yes, there will be one day, that we will be with different people. the day shall come. 

now i shall focus on exam

for those of you who are studying medicine as well. we shall make love with netters and grays. and guyton. these amazing guys. we shall immerse ourselves in them. you guys totally know what i mean ( i hope ).

and after exam..

i shall stuff my face with this

Plan B brownies! nyum!

 and go here

Pulau Rawa in Johor

hopefully. if i pass my exams. crossing my fingers tightly.

okay. i had my coffee. time to shower and put my studying cap on. 

ciao loves!

When you can't make lemonade

What happens when life gives you lemon, but you don't like lemonade? 

And after all of it, you try making lemonade, but it's not good enough?

Then you're left out feeling dumb, even though actually you know how to make milkshake...

The thing about being in medical school is, even though people think you are smart and all that, you cannot help but feeling dumb because your peers will always seem to know medical facts that you don't know. And when you see other girls from other courses, they have the time to look good and all that and you're stuck with hoodie, jeans and sneakers because you don't have the time to dress up.

Having a boyfriend also does not help because you end up being distracted from studying. And the fact that he cannot seem to understand that this is what it takes to be a doctor. And the fact that your mom does not like your boyfriend. Plus, do not forget shitty exam result...

Life seems to be so shitty right now and I don't even know what to do. I just want to crawl in my bed and sleep till everything becomes okay.

I hope you guys who read this have a better time than me for the weekends. I'll be having dates with different books. Pharmacology book on saturday and anatomy book on sunday.

<3

 

BAD BLOGGER :'(

I AM SUCH A BAD BLOGGER :((((( 

I am sorry for missing for a long timeeeeeee. It's just medschool is damn kraayzziieehh and I have been juggling to balance everything out and I still have yet to figure how to balance things out. :(

And, exam is coming on the 2nd of April and I still have a lot of things waiting to get stuffed into my little brain. 

And I am juggling between eating healthily and working out with my crazy schedule. :(
My sugar craving has gone haywire and the sugar has shown its effects on me. ( HELLO PIMPLES AND ZITS )

Until I have found out how to declutter and organize my life, I am not able to post in an arranged manner :/

Anyway, here I am, at Starbucks with S. He is playing with his new toy ( the brand new iPad HD ) and I am stuck with my lappie and my histology book.

her drink ( tall low fat hot chocolate ) and his drink ( venti caramel java chip )

my 'beloved' histology book

Okay, I am off to study the joints, bones and connective tissue now. Gonna update really soon! And wish me luck for my exam on the 2nd of April! *fingers crossed*

Ciao! See you soon peeps ;)

Earrings-gasm! :D

How awesome are these babies??? :DDDDD I found them after having dinner with my siblings and I knew that I just had to buy them! :))) These are earrings from House of Harlow. They are adorable and super versatile. I love pairing them with black racerback tanktop, skinny jeans, converse, and my mini Alexa bag from Mulberry. :)))

But, there is no such thing as too many stuffs for girls! :p Now I'm trying to save money to buy a new Balenciaga Pompon Bag in Black :)))) It's so adorable and it has that bohemian vibe to it which I really adore! :)))

Sorry that I've been missing. The internet connection in my house sucks :/ and it just got fixed so yea. That's another reason why I don't post many pics in my blog. :((( Sometimes I am so envious of other blogs because they have many nice pics and all. But hey, I am a newbie ( That's what I've been telling myself ) so I have all the rights to post as few pics as possible. ;) Self denial at its best I guess? Hahaha.

And about the weight loss journey.... I've been working out and eating as clean as possible but it's so hard to avoid munchies! Especially during holidays :((( I weighed myself and now I weigh 67.5kg 

But I know that if I keep on doing the hard work, I will finally reach my ULTIMATE GOAL WEIGHT. <3 AND I'M SUPER STOKED TO GET MY ASS INTO MEDICAL SCHOOL AGAIN! *nerd*

That's all for today dolls! ;) And I need to tune in into E! Channel because I need to get my bimbo brain going by watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians!