M and J

I am sorry for the blog hiatus because there have been so many things going on.

so for a quick update....

1. I am currently in my final year of medicine! *woot woot*

2. I am in Melbourne now and loving it! would love to be able to get a job here

3. I broke up with J :)


So...about the break-up...it was nasty and messy.

A lot of yelling and cursing.

Not something you would expect from a 28 years old but then again, who knew right? That's why roses have thorns.

for those who have been reading my blog through out the years ( which is so unlikely given the repeated hiatus), you guys are aware of how I always got entangled in shitty relationships that affected me and left me in this emotional mess.

But this break up made me realise and opened my eyes. I learned a lot about myself and the importance of friendship. I would not go through the same break up again but I am thankful for the more mature person I have become after the break up.

I will give you updates about life in Melbourne in the upcoming posts.

Till then, ciao lovelies. 

negative thoughts

relationships are the most confusing thing ever. 

i don't know what to do.

i mean, i really care for this guy but at the same time, i am scared what if it does not work again. what if my family does not like him. i am not brave enough to take chances and risks. 

my mind is constantly full of negative thoughts of us that i cannot tell anyone because:

1. people will think i am a crazy erratic bitch ( which is true up to 80%)
2. people do not understand
3. i am an anxious super girl

haih.

i do not want to be together with him because of these but i still want him to be around.

we have been fighting because whenever i have negative thoughts, i just revert to my own bubble and it annoys him.

and when he is angry, he loses controls of his words and tones.

and i get hurt

and things become sour on the next day.

and the negative thinking kicks in.

it is a vicious cycle

who said relationships are fun is clearly in a relationship with him/herself.

what is better than sorry?

sorry for the blog hiatus. i am currently doing my paediatrics posting and it has been hectic but at the same time i am loving it. i never knew that i actually love kids. and just to motivate me further to do better in this posting, a tutor actually told me i have what it takes to be a paediatrics. :)

anyway, about life.

so this guy, J, has been in my life for 2 months. 

he has been this guy that i long for. he is sweet, puts effort into 'us', calls me everyday and drives down to johor from kl almost during every weekend. 

but all good things must come to an end eventually.

one by one, small things start to annoy us and we have been having small fights. i would say they mostly came from me and my insecurities and he would get so angry cos he thinks that i do not want this as much as he does.


and as i have been repeatedly saying sorry in a desperate attempt to apologise for my mistake after my logic and sense have entered me back, he told me...

'stop saying sorry. your sorry does not mean anything'




i do not know how i feel now. 

love at first sight

hi lovelies! sorry for the MIA. medschool was busy but today i finally submitted my final assignment. fingers crossed i score well!

so a very pertinent question....



do you guys believe in love at first sight?

so i met this guy through a mutual friend when i went to KL. and he vouched that it was love at first sight for him to me. and i am still shocked at the idea? given that he is 27 years old and i always thought your logic should be slightly more dominant at this age?


he said we share so many similarities and he loves how i am so playful...? i am not trying to be vain here!


i don't want to get heartbroken and repeat the same mistakes over and over again.


so i told him that i am not down for sex since i am keeping it for marriage.

he told me he respects my decision and gave me his ring as a promise that he will never ask for that.


i tried giving the ring back but he was so persistent.


he said he is confident i would be his.


so yesterday he came to visit me in JB and we spent the night drinking and i fell asleep in his hotel room ( no hanky panky business i swear! ) and he said he loves me.


help?


i don't know what to do in this situation.


it sounds too good to be true, no?

the one

have you ever wondered when and where you are going to meet the guy who is going to be your 'the one'?

please take note that i am aware that life is not a fairytale and my 'the one' will not be a guy with a colgate smile and a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

but i always think about this whenever i am alone. my housemates all have boyfriends and i don't. my sister has a boyfriend. my best friends all have boyfriends. my brother has an on-off girlfriend. sometimes i wonder whether i am really weird and ugly that i always attract the wrong guys. and these anxieties of mine have caused me to jump into attractions with guys rather fast just to watch how these guys are actually never going to make me happy in the long run.

sometimes i tell myself, if i eat healthy enough, lose significant amount of weight, wear nice clothes and become a doctor then 'the one' will come.

i want someone to be able to give me that sense of security, tell me that everything is going to be alright regardless.

dating deal breaker

after class with one of my favorite tutors, i did not know how and why, we started talking about dating. knowing that i am not malaysian, she jokingly told me to marry a malaysian so that i can get a housemanship in malaysia.

and i told her my mom actually has some plans up her sleeve to matchmake me this august!

and she was so surprised to hear that and know that i have no problems with that.

i went on to tell her that my biggest dating deal breaker is if my family does not approve my guy.

everyone in my group was so surprised and told me how i am such a good daughter...to my disbelief...

i just really value my family i guess. considering all the hardships that we have gone through and how they are working so hard to pay my tuition fee! and wouldn't it be great if all of my siblings' spouses can hang out with mine and my mother? 

but the thing is, finding someone who satisfies my family is really really tough. i would say it is even tougher than passing medical school. i understand where they are coming from though, they just want their little baby ( read: me) to be happy.

what do you think? what is your greatest dating deal breaker? 

safety net

so my friend, let's call him MA, has been going through a very bad break-up.

i remember when he first introduced me to the girl who would eventually break his heart. it was at a house warming party where he had cooked amazing dishes. then suddenly this girl with a sweet smile arrived and he introduced me to her. 

'hi my name is E'

she looked nice.

MA started telling me all wonderful things about her. and when they got together, i was one of the first few people he announced the great news to. i was thrilled for them. they look cute together.

this was two years ago.

a few weeks ago MA told me how they were on the rocks and she met a personal trainer at the gym and their romantic pictures.


and after a long winding road of arguments and emotional turbulences, my friend decided to give up.


and just when he decided to give up, this girl started texting him sweet things but at the same time still posts pictures of her and the new guy.


my point? 


if you are going to settle for another guy, do not make your ex-boyfriend your safety net. i was guilty of this too. 

i understand that somehow feelings change. for better or worse. but making someone your safety net is not right.

bad boy, bad move

so i had a date with the aforementioned guy. and the guy is a total womanizer. how do i know? because we used to hang out and he would tell me and my friends about his latest 'fun'. 

so we met up last wednesday for a couple of drinks ( or more ) and were simply catching up with each other lives. he told me how work is tiring for him and his mom is always nagging him. oh, and sorry i forgot to tell you that he is 29 years old. no, this was not a date.

as a bad boy as he is, he told me he wanted to come to my place to chill and smoke a baby joint. and i said okay but i would not smoke cos i am just not into it but i did not mind him coming over as he had done it in the past.

so... as he smoked in my balcony, i was just standing next to him... the next thing i knew, he put his arms around my shoulder and kissed me. and for God's sake i knew he was just playing around, being an opportunist and trying his luck. i knew what kind of guy he is exactly. yet i still fell for it. luckily not as hard as how i usually fall for this kinda guys.

we went for another date 3 days after and the same thing happened ( i would not bore you guys with details ) and this was the conversation that took place....

me   : i know you are just playing around and i do not intend to get hurt.
boy  : no no i am not playing around
me   : then why didn't you call me?
boy  : cos i am just right around the corner. listen, i will call you when i am in KL. i will come back next month.
me   : how do you know that i am not playing around?
boy  : because you are too nice.


so... it has been 3 days since he said that and still no call or text. and i just cannot be bothered:)

it feels good. i just do not care. i am disappointed at what i did but at the same time i think i made progress by moving on and not caring about him.


i just do not understand why we always fall for the ones that always make us cry and hurt us? always fall for the wrong ones? i am lucky enough to have my eyes open wide since the very beginning but i know there are other girls out there who are still in this vicious cycle.

mom's words

before i left home to continue my studies, i had a DNM ( Deep N' Meaningful ) conversation with my mom.

i used to fight a lot with my mom but as i grew older, i realised how similar we are and i have mistaken her love for something else.

she is one of the few people who know me really well.

when you were a fat kid, you will still carry that little bit of insecurity deep down inside of you. you try so hard to hide it with toughness or i don't care attitude. many people thought i am just a person who is truly independent and tough. but my mom sees beneath it all. 

she knows how insecure i am about my looks and my characters. how i always feel insecure whenever people compare me with my feminine sister. how i always feel little compared to all my friends who are already working and have boyfriends and seem to have their lives figured out.


" you know, do not think about having a boyfriend now. the path ahead of you is still long. many things are bound to happen to you, and also your friends. your friends might seem to have a better life than you now but it does not mean that you will not have one too. oh, and just aspire to be a better version of yourself too, i believe a smart girl like you will get an amazing guy in the end. just open your eyes wide and do not fall for their tricks "


thank you mom. thank you for your words of encouragement.

oldie but goodie: the english patient

betrayals in war are childlike compared to our betrayals during peace. new lovers are nervous and tender, but smash everything, for the heart is an organ on fire. - count almásy 

ralph fiennes never disappoints. 

for those who did not know, this is the very same guy who plays lord voldemort in the harry potter series! 

pink roses

 

an empty glass bottle filled with water and two roses that i cut from my potted plant.

cos every sad girl can use some flowers to cheer up her day. 

sunday's soundtrack

there are always those people who have claimed a certain amount of love you have. 

and as this song says, i just cannot take my eyes off him.

we are still talking. in good terms. promised that we would be friends although we both know that will be a lie, sooner or later.

however, i wanna dip myself in that sea of lies. 

cos in that sea, the heat of the sun will not reach me.

whatsapp from my coucou

i will always be patient with you my love.

i know your past with relationship was not all sunshine and rainbows, mine neither.

i cannot change yesterday. i cannot promise you tomorrow, i can though promise you that everyday i will work to make us stay intact and i will always love you as though you are the last lady on planet earth.

we may differ in certain belief and practice but what are humans if we are all the same and i respect that.

i will always be yours love.

study hard and not lose notes no more!

<3 <3 <3


he just had to remind me that i lost my hematology notes :) and made me smile while doing that. 

stop and stare

so stop.

do not get carried away.

take a deep breath. 

and take a good look around you.


kiss the person you love.

smell that flower.

while sipping lemonade.

the world is not that bad after all. :)

eye candy

can this guy get anymore perfect?

love love love love chris carrabba from dashboard confessional <3

the village/ the dusun

these pics from the dusun make me crave for a small getaway since life has been a little too hectic. especially with studies.

enjoying the nature. just let the nature to work her magic on you.

this is one of the places i would love to visit before i turn 25.

yes, i have my 25 before 25 list :)

have a good weekend loves. 

a few random things that have made me smile

mango sago pudding from din tai fung

no one can say no this cutie's face. always looking forward to see ella whenever i go to Sh's house.

one of my favorite graphic novels. been reading it over and over again.

beauty products i swear by

some beauty products i swear by. lucas papaw ointment for my dry lips and nail cuticles and rosken cream for my super dry skin. they are cheap and a lil amount goes along the way.

i know they do not look fancy but these products are bad-asses. true story.

i decided it is a good change from my recent sobby posts.

ciao loves!

sunday soundtrack

i have been pretty much listening to this song. the voice and the lyrics make me shiver. and cry. it just pretty much says whatever i am feeling right now.

i miss S. i saw him last night. tried being nice by saying a sincere hi. his face was gloomy. i guess i do not deserve him anymore. i am the reason why he is sad. he deserves someone else. 

there is time for everything. and now, it is time to let go.

again. another sobby post which has no end i guess

so. S crossed my mind again. for the n-th time. the more i want him to get the fuck out of my mind, the more he keeps popping out of no where.

i miss him.

but i know. the moment we get back together. we would fight. it's none of our fault. it's just...like that.

we are peanut butter and nutella. 

we taste good. amazing. but we make you gain weight like fuck. despite that, you still want us. despite the consequences.

stupid.

no. it's not stupid.

it's being humane.

or, as S put it before, we are like tempeh goreng and sambal.

funny how things are so different now.

the distant memories feel like they were just yesterday.

when we were flirting on facebook. saying how we would click just like some food combination. talking about how i like panda hug. how i like his smell. gucci guilty.

i am tearing now.

it is not funny.

i hate this.

please hurt me. more. let me cry like a howling wolf for a night. and i will be okay on the next day.

i forgot when we broke up. when things went anticlimatic.

it's funny how after we broke up, i always remember you whenever i see oakley shop or mooncakes.