A Meaningful Life

Taken at Bondi Beach during winter. This beach never fails to amaze me.

“For human beings, life is meaningful because it is a story. A story has a sense of a whole, and its arc is determined by the significant moments, the ones where something happens.”

Excerpt From: Gawande, Atul. “Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End.”

#GIRLBOSS by Sophia Amorusso

As a final year medical student, I don't have major exams. All we need to do is to get good PIAs ( Pre-Intern Appraisals) to pass every posting/rotation. This gives me plenty of time to ponder about where I am in my life.

After being diagnosed with failure-phobia ( which I will further discuss in subsequent postings when I have the commitment), I resort to reading motivational books. And my choice was #GIRLBOSS by Sophia Amoruso

Ignore my fluffy hairy legs as I have not waxed my legs for ages.

I highly recommend this book and there are some points in this book I need to reiterate in my life if I want to be a happier and more content person.

1. You'll appreciate your amazing career so much more when you look back  at your not-so-amazing  jobs in the past, and hopefully realise that you learned something from all of them.

well, I have not worked much except for being an english tutor for a few months and I figure helping around with ward work in the hospital does not fall under working too. However, the caveat here is, whatever bad crap that happened to me in the past happened so that I can appreciate the prospective good times. This includes the previous bad relationships.

2. When your goal is to gain experience, perspective and knowledge, failure is no longer a possibility. Failure is your invention.

When my mom told me that she does not agree with the idea of me working in Australia for my internship, I felt that my whole world shattered because I associate this with not being able to become a famous paediatrician which is equivalent to being a loser ( it still feels this way and I find myself crying every now and then ). Nevertheless, this quote helps me to feel better about my situation. Doing internship in Indonesia means I will gain more experience about other things that Australia is not able to offer ( you cannot do some procedures i.e lumbar puncture and pleural tap as an intern in Australia ) and I can offer the knowledge I have obtained from my rotation in Australia to the table. My goal is to gain MORE experience, perspective and knowledge to what I have hitherto learned. ( GREED IS GOOD)

3. Instead of spending my time trolling the forums and obsessing about what other sellers were doing, I focused on making my store as unique as possible.

HOLY COW. This should be my new mantra. I spend excessive amount of time obsessing about my acquaintances back home have achieved when I could have utilised the time, effort and money for my own betterment. I could have worked out so that I don't have to be jealous about their body. I could have studied so that when I bump into them, I don't have to feel inferior about my knowledge. I could have read more books. HECK, I COULD AND SHOULD HAVE SPENT MORE TIME ON THIS BLOG.

I highly recommend this book. And I figured, as a generation Y, we are just too bloody impatient. We want things fast. Hence, you see all the fast food and crazy diet pills being rampant. There are more points that I have learned from this book but I am not going to list all of them here as I don't want to get sued by her and I feel reading the book itself would offer the most substantial amount of benefits for those lost souls just like me.

I am still lost. I am still figuring out my way. But this book made me realise that this is not the end of the world. 

Finishing medical school is not the end. It is merely the beginning. 

exam stress and blog hiatus :(

Things that I cannot live without. My wallet, power bank, ysl lip stain and clarins blue orchid oil for my super dry face. And a durable bag ( longchamp le pliage!) to stuff everything in and 10 textbooks + lab coat + stethoscope.

Doesn't this cute seal pup make your day instantly better? :)

I am extremely sorry for my blog hiatus. :( medical school has been like super duper crazy with assignments and logbooks to fill. and exam is in a week!

I hope I can pass and move on to my final year!

wish me luck guys! 

xx

September goals

i cannot believe that it is september already. 10 more weeks to final exam and i will be going to the labour room starting next week, delivering babies!

it is going to be a roller coaster from here but i will try my best to not disappoint myself.

i am planning to:
1. stay healthy! nothing is worst than getting sick when exam is nearing. i am going to drink hot lemon honey every morning and get my workout done.
2. study efficiently and smartly. gonna try covering most of the GP topics in this month and start revising all the internal medicine and general surgery topics
3. save money. if i am going to buy myself a fancy watch by next year as i have been repeatedly telling myself, i better start saving money seriously from now on as those watches are costly as hell though i am getting the cheapest option.
4. throw away unwanted stuffs and put unnecessary things in a box. the least thing i need is a mess in my room when my mind is a mess due to exam stress.

what is better than sorry?

sorry for the blog hiatus. i am currently doing my paediatrics posting and it has been hectic but at the same time i am loving it. i never knew that i actually love kids. and just to motivate me further to do better in this posting, a tutor actually told me i have what it takes to be a paediatrics. :)

anyway, about life.

so this guy, J, has been in my life for 2 months. 

he has been this guy that i long for. he is sweet, puts effort into 'us', calls me everyday and drives down to johor from kl almost during every weekend. 

but all good things must come to an end eventually.

one by one, small things start to annoy us and we have been having small fights. i would say they mostly came from me and my insecurities and he would get so angry cos he thinks that i do not want this as much as he does.


and as i have been repeatedly saying sorry in a desperate attempt to apologise for my mistake after my logic and sense have entered me back, he told me...

'stop saying sorry. your sorry does not mean anything'




i do not know how i feel now. 

girl crush: olivia palermo

i used to dislike her because of how the reality tv series The City portrayed her as this crazy girl who would get rid of anyone that got in her way.

regardless of that, we just have to come a consensus here that:
1. her skin is offing flawless
2. she has amazing smile with those dimples
3. her fashion sense is impeccable too
4. not to mention her body
5. her hair too
6. and her no BS attitude
7. basically everything

love at first sight

hi lovelies! sorry for the MIA. medschool was busy but today i finally submitted my final assignment. fingers crossed i score well!

so a very pertinent question....



do you guys believe in love at first sight?

so i met this guy through a mutual friend when i went to KL. and he vouched that it was love at first sight for him to me. and i am still shocked at the idea? given that he is 27 years old and i always thought your logic should be slightly more dominant at this age?


he said we share so many similarities and he loves how i am so playful...? i am not trying to be vain here!


i don't want to get heartbroken and repeat the same mistakes over and over again.


so i told him that i am not down for sex since i am keeping it for marriage.

he told me he respects my decision and gave me his ring as a promise that he will never ask for that.


i tried giving the ring back but he was so persistent.


he said he is confident i would be his.


so yesterday he came to visit me in JB and we spent the night drinking and i fell asleep in his hotel room ( no hanky panky business i swear! ) and he said he loves me.


help?


i don't know what to do in this situation.


it sounds too good to be true, no?

how schizophrenic people view the world

as i am just about to embark on my psychiatry posting, i thought it would be interesting to post this video here. 

this video basically shows us how people with schizophrenia view the world. it is unfair for us to be scared of them and i think we need to understand them a bit more just to make the world a better place?

just give it a go. i promise you it will not take long.

thank you :)

p.s : i do not own this video, i found it on youtube and if i am not mistaken, someone from UC Davis created this. :) xx

currently listening to....

the song i have been playing on repeat to listen to while sipping a cup of hot lemon tea.

there is something about this song that just calms me down.

have a great night/day people :)

sad wallet, happy girl

because a sad girl can use a new pair of calvin klein shoes that were on major sale (60%!)

i would like to think that my new pair of shoes will help me achieve that trés chic look too :p

the only thing crying now is my wallet.

a pinch of salt and a glass of wine

life has been crazy. assignments...quizzes....social obligations....

and boys!

so i went up to KL for a long weekend and decided to have my YOLO moment after a guy offered me a glass of champagne in a club.

i messaged the guy if he was up for another drinking session in a bar on the next day.

guess what?

the guy said NO.

fine.... but my YOLO self did not take no for an answer.

so we met up at a rooftop bar where he was so surprised that i showed up with my friends.

and left after 15 mins.


sometimes we just have to take life with a pinch of salt...and a glass of wine ;)

bad boy, bad move

so i had a date with the aforementioned guy. and the guy is a total womanizer. how do i know? because we used to hang out and he would tell me and my friends about his latest 'fun'. 

so we met up last wednesday for a couple of drinks ( or more ) and were simply catching up with each other lives. he told me how work is tiring for him and his mom is always nagging him. oh, and sorry i forgot to tell you that he is 29 years old. no, this was not a date.

as a bad boy as he is, he told me he wanted to come to my place to chill and smoke a baby joint. and i said okay but i would not smoke cos i am just not into it but i did not mind him coming over as he had done it in the past.

so... as he smoked in my balcony, i was just standing next to him... the next thing i knew, he put his arms around my shoulder and kissed me. and for God's sake i knew he was just playing around, being an opportunist and trying his luck. i knew what kind of guy he is exactly. yet i still fell for it. luckily not as hard as how i usually fall for this kinda guys.

we went for another date 3 days after and the same thing happened ( i would not bore you guys with details ) and this was the conversation that took place....

me   : i know you are just playing around and i do not intend to get hurt.
boy  : no no i am not playing around
me   : then why didn't you call me?
boy  : cos i am just right around the corner. listen, i will call you when i am in KL. i will come back next month.
me   : how do you know that i am not playing around?
boy  : because you are too nice.


so... it has been 3 days since he said that and still no call or text. and i just cannot be bothered:)

it feels good. i just do not care. i am disappointed at what i did but at the same time i think i made progress by moving on and not caring about him.


i just do not understand why we always fall for the ones that always make us cry and hurt us? always fall for the wrong ones? i am lucky enough to have my eyes open wide since the very beginning but i know there are other girls out there who are still in this vicious cycle.

life in pictures, again :)

my sister bought this from YSL and when she reached home, she did not quite like how the bright color look on her. I have to agree that this color can look a bit 'California barbie' which is not my style too however the key is just to put 2-3 tiny dots on your lips and you will get a natural looking pink color on your lips. the color stays put and it does not make me self conscious because i know i do not look weird or fake.

i love the convenience of online shopping and a few months ago, i came across by invite only, a singapore based online store that sells handmade jewellery.

this store is really worth checking out for. their stuffs are really unique.

this is the motto i have been trying to implement since the beginning of this year and so far, i can say i have been doing quite well. :)

my calming trick

as the new semester for my clinical year posting just started, i find myself still getting the hang of it and trying to get back into the pace of studying.

seeing my friends holding a book whenever they go has caused a small amount of anxiety in me. it feels as if i am not studying enough compared to them. these thoughts kept swimming in my head that made me unable to sleep last night.


so what did i do?


i made myself a cup of hot milk with honey and watched this....

there is something about nigella lawson. watching her cook always calms me down.

is there a show that you always watch whenever you are anxious or stressed?

love to hear from you!

xoxo

mom's words

before i left home to continue my studies, i had a DNM ( Deep N' Meaningful ) conversation with my mom.

i used to fight a lot with my mom but as i grew older, i realised how similar we are and i have mistaken her love for something else.

she is one of the few people who know me really well.

when you were a fat kid, you will still carry that little bit of insecurity deep down inside of you. you try so hard to hide it with toughness or i don't care attitude. many people thought i am just a person who is truly independent and tough. but my mom sees beneath it all. 

she knows how insecure i am about my looks and my characters. how i always feel insecure whenever people compare me with my feminine sister. how i always feel little compared to all my friends who are already working and have boyfriends and seem to have their lives figured out.


" you know, do not think about having a boyfriend now. the path ahead of you is still long. many things are bound to happen to you, and also your friends. your friends might seem to have a better life than you now but it does not mean that you will not have one too. oh, and just aspire to be a better version of yourself too, i believe a smart girl like you will get an amazing guy in the end. just open your eyes wide and do not fall for their tricks "


thank you mom. thank you for your words of encouragement.

have a great sunday!

hi guys! what are you guys doing this sunday? i am planning to just laze around and enjoy some quality time at home. i have this brand new nail polish my friend got me and i have not used it, so why not use it before i go back to the hospital? :)

this color is called sweet star by chanel and it looks really nice. the color does not scream for attention yet the subtle sparkle still calls for it.

as i am going back to Malaysia, next Sunday, i am preparing myself to tackle major cleaning duties as my apartment has been left vacant for the past 2 months. i find this really helpful

and because i am guilty for having abandoned my window tracks too!

a super hilarious movie my friend recommended to me

my idea of comfort food in the middle of rainy season

the beauty product that has saved my face from all the pollution in Indonesia


love to hear from you!

xoxo

WHATSOUP!

this semester, i am determined to save money (hello shopping spree!) and eat healthily!

and unlike last time, i do not want to go to the war unprepared. when i came across this, i thought this was great! soups are filling, hearty and i can make a big batch and eat it for lunch and dinner. soup au pistou caught my attention definitely!

love to hear from you about soup!

xoxo

chain of the past

every time i want to move forward and tell myself i want to be a better person ladidadidum etc, i always find myself filled with disgust.

why you may ask

it is because i am so ashamed of what i did in the past.

i always think ' how could i do this? how could i have done that? what was i thinking? '

like most 20 years old girl with troubled family ( read : drug addict dad and broken family ) , i have issues with confidence, self-love/hate and perfection.

in most people's eyes, i am considered to be a decent girl. i have not had sex ( i , by no means, try to condescend people who have. it is just in my culture, people are still obsessed about this. i am deeply sorry for those who are offended ), am studying in medical school with decent grades ( recently scored the highest in the public health exam ) , do not go out smoking etc etc. in someone's eyes, i pretty much look like a girl next door.

but deep down lies this insecurity where i just need extra love where i can feel secure about myself.

i think that explains why i always get attracted to a new guy and get bored after 2 months and end up hurting myself and the guy.

so this year i told myself i should stop this vicious cycle.

but every time i tell myself, i end up remembering all the stupid things in the past and get sick of myself and want to cry. it is hard to tell yourself it is okay to let go of the past and move on. i am so scared of committing the same crime/mistake. 

i keep reiterating what i need to do to myself yet i find myself being belittled by my own inner voice that blames me, nothing can wash away the impurities.

does anyone out there feel the same?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

just like other people, i like to start a new year with a set of resolutions and this year i am determined to make it happen.

one of my resolutions is to be a more mature person by organising myself better in terms of studying, dressing up better and appropriately to be more presentable as a future medical practitioner and be more vocal regarding my opinion in a polite way. 

to finish off this post, i will write down a quote by john gardner.

" you find that the world loves talent but pays off in character "

money money caching

i have not written any post in such a long time.

my life has been rather flat. in a good way.

no drama. no fight. 

occasional tears, yes.


however, there is one problem which has been bugging me for quite a while though i never brought it up in this blog.

how does a medical student save money?

my family is not poor by any mean. we are not rich either.

and i, as a girl, have a lot of wants. for the time being i am just dying for a really nice watch to replace my old one which is going kaputt.

any idea on how to save money? i cut off my gym membership which helps me save quite a bit. i do not go out to parties or nice restaurants. i try to eat at home unless for lunch because eating outside is way more convenient. even so, i still eat at random chinese places which offer hearty soup at a wallet-friendly price.

i have been saving but i still think it is not enough.



any idea on how to do this? would love to hear some advices