missing out :/

sorry for the lack of posts for the past few weeks!

exam has been insane! a lot of tears and sleepless nights and munching out.

and my laptop crashed 2 days before my final! how crazy was it??

thank god my brother was nice enough to buy me macbook air.

i am officially an apple girl <3

i will start posting up routinely again since i am on holiday now! quite anxious whilst waiting for the result though.

bye lovelies!

today is just not a good day. period

sometimes i think i am such a fucking bitch for having inner voices that tell me this and that. inner voices that tell me other people are fucking assholes and bitches. i tell myself it is just me being a spoilt brat. but sometimes i think my voices are true.

today. S' friend was being a fucking douche bag. he told me i am fat. yes. simply because i told him i just bought packages of good food. which i bought to share with my friends. then he told me my ed hardy iphone case is fake. i told him i bought it at the apple store. still he said it's fake. hemmm. can see how someone is being mature.

then i saw S. it was just. fuck this shit moment. then my friends were being fickle and everything. i just hate it when they say they want to study and all that shit but they don't. please. mature up. this is why i choose to be alone most of the time. you like some people, you talk to them, you decide to spend more time together, then BOOM. they crush your expectations to ashes.

like. get serious. i feel like crying. it is just so annoying. i feel like killing myself in these times. maybe i am being a drama queen. but i just cannot tell anyone about this. it is so annoying. the moment i tell this to someone, they will think i am such a complaining spoiled brat who cannot stop hating. like when i decided to tell S about my feelings and thoughts about some people. then he judged me for being this rich spoiled kid.

yes people have their own problems. but i am just reaching my limit. yes i should be grateful with my life. but right now i really cannot see how i should be grateful. i hate it. i hate everything. i just want to run away. i want to pass my exams. i hate my dad. thank you dad for giving me this shitty life. i hope your daughter dies. i hope your new wife dies. i hope you die soon. i fucking hate you. it all started with you. i really hope you die.

if it had not been for you, my life would have not been like this. i hate you.

people expect all the good things from you. they don't know that you have your own limits as well. just because i am nice, i never complain, i follow you guys everywhere, it does not mean that i never get pissed. i had enough. honestly.

if people are going to hate me for my full of hatred posts, i am sorry. but writing these posts keeps me sane.

okay now i am going to focus on studies.

sorry readers. i am definitely not the nicest person you have seen/met. i am trying to be the best version of myself but sometimes, it is just so fucking hard.

sunday soundtrack and some random musings/shenanigans

HAPPY SUNDAY!

woke up after 6 hours of sleep. gosh. i miss sleeping for 8 hours. my eyebags can use a surgery right now. or the super expensive la mer eye cream

going to hit the gym for body pump class, do grocery, then study like usual. working out makes me feel sane and in control of my life.

i hate how i have a very short attention span. i get distracted easily when i study. i wish i can study like some people in my course. 

i woke up, made myself a cup of hot milk and now here i am, sipping my hot milk and blogging. life is good at these times. and the fact that i had a good night with my friend, N. we had sheesha last night and she was so nice! 

i am really scared for exam. i am afraid that i am going to fail this exam. so many things to study. i know i can do better. it is just hard to do so. but i believe if i put my mind to it, i can do it, juggling things between studying, taking care myself, and friends.

i saw S yesterday. he looked...odd. in a sense that, he looked.... i don't know how to describe it. i just found him....odd. he gained weight i think. he should do something about it. i am worried. he has high blood pressure. at the age of 24. it's not very common for a 24 years old boy, isn't it? i hope he is doing fine with his assignments as well. oh well. someone said he could not study when he was with me. so yeah. nevertheless, i hope he does something about his health. it is not funny to die from a heart attack at such a young age. *knock on the wood* and he has siblings who love him. so S, please please watch over your health.

anyway, i have to go. i have to get ready too. i have not been posting any good posts. i know. i am so sorry :(

this is my sunday soundtrack for this week. i just love this guy. he is so darn talented!

ciao! xx

beauty products i swear by

some beauty products i swear by. lucas papaw ointment for my dry lips and nail cuticles and rosken cream for my super dry skin. they are cheap and a lil amount goes along the way.

i know they do not look fancy but these products are bad-asses. true story.

i decided it is a good change from my recent sobby posts.

ciao loves!

sunday soundtrack

i have been pretty much listening to this song. the voice and the lyrics make me shiver. and cry. it just pretty much says whatever i am feeling right now.

i miss S. i saw him last night. tried being nice by saying a sincere hi. his face was gloomy. i guess i do not deserve him anymore. i am the reason why he is sad. he deserves someone else. 

there is time for everything. and now, it is time to let go.

am i good enough?

sometimes i wonder why i am here. in this world. it is so weird.

some other soul deserves this life more than me.

i definitely have not been appreciating life as i should have.


i find it so hard to balance out what goes in my brain and what is happening outside. 

people always think that i am such a bubbly personality. nice. fun. all that.

well. i am not. i have this huge emo dark side to me that everyone seems to fail to understand. i don't even fucking understand myself. sometimes i just want to be alone in the corner and hope i am invisible to everyone.

deep down i hate myself. i hate why i am not smart enough. why i am not as good looking as my cousin, T, or my sis. i hate why i am so fat. i hate why i have to stand out of the crowd because of my body size. i hate why people always look at me. maybe i am being paranoid. but i hate it. i hate how there are so many things revolving in my head regardless what i do. 

am i actually good enough to be in medical school?

do i actually deserve this life i am living?

maybe if i die, it would be so much better for my mom. she already had two other successful kids.

oh well. i better study. make use of my time. rather than talking nonsense in this blog.
but again, this is my blog. i am free to write whatever i want. see? maybe i am schizophrenic. 
 

ciao. 

rain in the desert

maybe i am wishing for rain to happen in the desert

that's why i am listening to ron pope's song. a drop in the ocean. listen to it. beautiful lyrics.

call me stupid. an over-reacting stupid person.

but the heart does not want to agree with the brain.

nothing makes me feel better. not even the triumph of losing 3kgs just like that. out of no where.

i need you. but i don't want to need you. i want us to go our own separate ways. cos, i said before, we are too dangerous to be together. we love and hurt each other.

i dreamed of you last night. 

it's not funny.

after the long-sought sleep i finally managed to get, i got you as a bonus.

don't know if should be happy or pissed. 

blogging makes me sane. for some weird reasons. i feel like i am talking to someone even though i know i am not. 

sometimes i wish you're reading this. my blog. so that it would be easier for you to understand me. i am not a vocal person like you. i am like this. i have this side to me that i don't even understand about myself. 

but again, i should have put more effort as well.

i don't know whether it's too late or not. 

i don't know what i want. i am a fucking confused soul.

but i know it's not too late to study for my upcoming final exam.

so yea.

i hope you do well too S.

again. another sobby post which has no end i guess

so. S crossed my mind again. for the n-th time. the more i want him to get the fuck out of my mind, the more he keeps popping out of no where.

i miss him.

but i know. the moment we get back together. we would fight. it's none of our fault. it's just...like that.

we are peanut butter and nutella. 

we taste good. amazing. but we make you gain weight like fuck. despite that, you still want us. despite the consequences.

stupid.

no. it's not stupid.

it's being humane.

or, as S put it before, we are like tempeh goreng and sambal.

funny how things are so different now.

the distant memories feel like they were just yesterday.

when we were flirting on facebook. saying how we would click just like some food combination. talking about how i like panda hug. how i like his smell. gucci guilty.

i am tearing now.

it is not funny.

i hate this.

please hurt me. more. let me cry like a howling wolf for a night. and i will be okay on the next day.

i forgot when we broke up. when things went anticlimatic.

it's funny how after we broke up, i always remember you whenever i see oakley shop or mooncakes.

things to drool at

okay. so it's decided. i am going to save my money. and ONE DAY. mark my words. ONE DAY. i shall spend money as if the future of mankind depends on it. like a boss.

oh yea.

let's cut some BS and get down to the business?

bvlgari zero bracelet in rose gold with black ceramic

christian dior carmine suede pump.

alexander wang lia sling bag in red

chanel chronograph j12 watch with diamond dial

gosh. i want to be a ballin doctor. well and an awesome one, in a sense that i can actually change people's lives. in style. 

oh yea.

sorry, my bimbo side just has to come out.

 

please let me marry this guy. 

*drools*

i know i can't spend money on him but i always drool at his face. and body. and smile

ciao!

 

two sides of the same coin

so. i was procrastinating with anatomy. as usual. like you know, i keep telling myself i can do it later although i know it is the biggest shittiest lie i ever tell myself.

then. i was trying to focus on this awesome anatomy vid on lower limb i found. acland's videos just did not cut it for me. his voice makes me sleepy all the time. all the med students out there know for sure what i am talking about.

this is the infamous acland's guy

anyway...coming back to the point. so, my friend, C, gave me a link to read on. from a blog called the thought catalog.

so. this particular post. hit me right there. like bullseye.

this post talks about how love and hate are two sides of the same coin. apathy is the total opposite. and i just could not stop thinking how true this is. when i was angry and told S that i hated him i knew deep down i still loved him. now that i just ignore his presence continuously, always hoping to never ever bump into him.i am totally losing my feeling. 

my feelings are like ashes being poured into the sea. the sea brings them no where mankind can ever find. 

so. for those couples out there who are having fight. i really really hope you guys find a midpoint and don't experience what i had. if your boyfriends/girlfriends say mean things to you, it is still better than ignoring your presence. i know the words hurt. as the bible puts it, tongue is the most evil part of the body. it is very hard to control and has brain of its own.

i got so used to not seeing him at all. ignoring his presence. pretending as if he never existed in my life before. then, it is such an alien feeling to see him again. but i just ignore him. it is foreign. awkward. not pleasant. it is just a mixture of everything.

but the fact i actually ignore him because i choose to proves that i am feeling the total opposite of love. i hate him. sometimes i do not hate him. but 80% of the time i do.

yes. i am a confused person. but i am pretty sure i am better without him. sort of. well. if i am not, i am trying to tell myself a lie that will become the truth. cos truth is a lie that you keep telling yourself and everyone repetitively until all of you believe it. 

hemm. that sentence just made me draw a new conclusion. so truth and lie are actually just like love and hate. two sides of the same coin.

oh well. i better put the energy to better use. such as doing the rural assignment. will talk/post about that soon.

ciao loves.

after all we are all human. sort of for some people apparently

so. i just simply don't get it.

the whole thing between christianity and islam.

i mean. dude... like seriously. there's only a small difference between these two.

i am a christian. i believe in god. i love my religion.

but i DO NOT AGREE with what jewish people do to palestine. 

i saw this picture of a small boy losing his limbs. so much for doing whatever the torah or bible or whatever says, yes? 

love others like you love yourself. 

i do not agree with what muslim pakistanis i meet say about hindhu indians.

'indians are dirty. they drink cows' urines'

WTF?

i mean. FUCKING SERIOUSLY? dude. fucking grow up. so much more serious matters than these okay? 

i know i am still young. i am only 19. well turning 20 in a month. but i think i am old and mature enough to know what i am voicing right now is true.

i do not like with how saudi people come to malaysia and judge some of my friends who wear shorts as sluts. you come here, you adjust with our culture. and btw, your country is not the best country in the world just because you have kabbah.

stop beating up maids from my country as well.

christians, stop making fun of muslim people. do you know christian and islam were one before this? 

muslim indonesians, stop burning churches. christian indonesians, stop mocking muslim indonesians.

after all. we are all human beings.  

and we have had enough of this. well, at least me. 

go away and don't come back

people ask me if i am okay.

people ask me if i am doing well without you.

i am well. until they ask me about it.

you're like the chocolate bar i ate when i was dieting and tried to ignore the fact that i ate until someone reminded me of the calorie content.

there are so many things i want to tell you.

but i always run out of words.

stop posting whatever you are feeling on facebook. even though those statuses are anonymous, i am not stupid enough to not know that those are aimed at me.

let me make it clear. i am not a slut just because i wear shorts. or tank tops.

i am the same person, with and without you. still the same girl who obsesses over fashion and studies like a crazy person. still the same person who cries whenever i see cockroaches.

the same person you fell for. 

so..if i am a slut. then you fell for the slut. 

i hate how i always read your statuses and how i feel so low and unworthy after reading them. i hate how you always attack other religions, especially mine. i hate how you always calculate the amount of money left in your wallet after you treat me to a dinner when we were together. i hate how you complain about the stuffs mom buys for me. it is not my fault if mom buys me chanel and givenchy bags. i hate how you make me friendless in medical school last semester. i hate how you always give me the hostile look as if i am the most disgusting piece of shit after we break up. i hate how you always talk as if you have gone through a lot of stuffs. i hate how you always make sound when you chew.i hate how you always complain about small things. i hate how you always act as if you know me better than my mom. i hate how you are such a cheapskate.

someone called me after hearing about our break-up. i was fine. then i got reminded of everything.

i hate you. 

i hate that i always check your statuses.

i hate everything related to you.

i hate it.

when people say there is only a thin line between love and hate, those people are right.

i want you to go away. and never come back. i don't want any memory of us to every exist anymore. just go away. 

you ended it. so you have to go away.

now i know why aisyah broke up with you. 

i bet it is for the exact same reason with what i am feeling right now.

 

girl crush

one of the few women i admire for aging gracefully. nigella lawson

i adore the way she carries herself. embraces herself. her way of cooking and enjoying food. 

there is something timeless about her. 

i wish i can be like her when i age. <3

P.S : i do not own any of these pictures :) i took them from nigella's facebook page and bbc

 

sunday soundtrack. EARGASM

hotness. eyegasm. eargasm. 

if you guys don't feel the same way, then you guys are nuts.

yes, i am not taking back my words.

the hair. the voice. GOSH! *DROOL*

well. somewhat tie with adam levine.


definitely better than my anatomy lecturer who has perky gluteus maximus. ;)

WELL.DON'T JUDGE. that happens when you are a medical student. TRUE STORY


off to have awesome lunch date with elaine and tracy <3

ciao!

what i have in mind right now

that thing i do when i procastinate

my website to go with adorable pics of food. www.bakerella.com

how i would love to experience this. cute <3

ordered this KARLA DERAs x ROMAN LUXE from revolve clothing. love

happier? yes..

actually, truth to be told..breaking up with S has made me quite a happier person if i see it from different perspectives. i get to spend more time with these amazing girls, study more, and work out more. i have made progress with my weight as well. now i weigh at 64. i still have a few more kgs to lose though.

medschool girls <3

hungry face!

elaine! my frenchy cherrie! <3

i have more time for myself. yes, the empty feeling after the break up is still there but i believe life has its own ways. sooner or later, both of us, S and i, would wake up and find that life is not that empty anymore. and yes, there will be one day, that we will be with different people. the day shall come. 

now i shall focus on exam

for those of you who are studying medicine as well. we shall make love with netters and grays. and guyton. these amazing guys. we shall immerse ourselves in them. you guys totally know what i mean ( i hope ).

and after exam..

i shall stuff my face with this

Plan B brownies! nyum!

 and go here

Pulau Rawa in Johor

hopefully. if i pass my exams. crossing my fingers tightly.

okay. i had my coffee. time to shower and put my studying cap on. 

ciao loves!

Life in iPhone pics. Again ;-)

cmym

My scents at the moment. I vary between these three, depending on my mood.

Chicken rice from chinese auntie shop near my place. always brightens up my day. :-)

Body Pump class. love love this. i like the sore feeling that i get after the class. go bum bum booty!

three layer tea. palm sugar/gula melaka, full cream milk, thick tea. NYUM

sui yok a.k.a crunchy pork belly with green chili dipping sauce at Hungry Hog. <3

well, anatomy just has to be there to balance out all the fun i've been having ;-)

Update on Life

Hi.

Sorry i haven't posted for ages. 

I know that your blog is somewhat equivalent to your child.

You nurture it.

It's a fruit of your mind and effort.

However...life has not allowed me to nurture this baby of mine.

I am sorry.

S broke up with me. more than a month ago. thus, the blogging hiatus.

Medical school is tough.

The pelvic bone is funny.

And there are so many drugs to relieve blood pressure acting on different sites.

I love you, whoever you are as long as you're reading this.

I decided that my love for S is better used for other people.

The effort i put into the relationship is better used for other things.

And S needs someone more suited for him.

I love you S. good bye

Hello blogging world. Please welcome me with open arms because I miss you so much.

if you have instagram, please follow me @rilakubell and take a peak into my world. It's not always glamorous but i love it :-)

Realizations :)

Having living overseas for quite a while has made me cherish some things that I used to take for granted and realize what kind of person I actually am. 


My dog, siblings, mom, housemaids, fresh laundry, the smell of burning scented candles sis always lits ( it's always either eucalyptus or lavender ), treadmill machine in the living room, chauffeur, mom's raid-able closed, full stocked fridge, and super fast internet ;)


When you were young, you always think that your high-school friends define you. If your friends are popular, so are you. If your friends are not, well.... you are not. I used to feel like the later one. However, since I study abroad, I came to a realization that even if you cry and you tell your friends that you did, will the things they say make a big difference? I no longer feel lonely when I don't have friends to hang out with. That means girly DVD time all for myself! :)


I also learned what friends really mean. If they are good true friends, they won't make you feel insecure. You will find true friends the moment you are able to define and understand yourself. I am not saying as if I have lived for 1000 years and I am Yoda the wise but I can say that I have progressed. I have made friends who don't make me feel worried if they are going to criticize me for every single thing I do. And since I slash down my amount of friends, I have time to do things that I could not do because I used to complain  that I did not have the time, i.e gym. Thus, I've lost a bit of weight :) ( Now I am 66.5 ) Well, it's still a progress ,isn't it? :p

Yoda me is not :p

Oh, and I realized that the reason why we hate our mom/dad(s) is because we inherit the supposedly annoying characteristic from them. ;) Try to think of it.


It's just a random musing from me :)


OH AND I OFFICIALLY FINISHED MY EXAM! :D 


going to enjoy this hols before starting sem 2 which is a different ball game than sem 1.


<3