alone

i am just dying for an approval.

isn't everyone?

i am so scared to let people know about the negative thought lingering in my head. 

what if the people i cherish start leaving me because of this stupid thought.

in the end you are always alone.


love is an illusion created by your brain.

your boyfriend only wants to be with you when you are at your best.

once he cannot take it, he will leave. just like others. leaving another scar.


i wish i can numb my feelings. be a heartless person.

so that i could careless about what others say or do.


i hate that feeling when you desperately need someone and that person you think will be there is never there. relationship and friendship and all the sweet words seem to be mere void meaningless alphabets which are randomly arranged.


i am not happy. i want to leave. but i do not want to hurt you. i do not want to be hurt either. 


 

depression

continuous low mood or sadness

feeling hopeless and helpless

having low self-esteem

feeling tearful

feeling guilt-ridden

feeling irritable and intolerant of others

having no motivation or interest in things

finding it difficult to make decisions

not getting any enjoyment out of life

feeling anxious or worried

having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself


have you guys ever felt/experienced what is listed above? i have been feeling them 24/7 that it is not funny. i cry myself to sleep all night. i do not know whom to talk to because i know most people will think that it is utter bullshit. i do not feel like hanging out with most of my friends. i screamed and broke down in front of one of my friends who thinks i am so full of dramas now.

well.

based on the symptoms above. i have clinical depression. i would like to think no. but it seems like it. and it is so frustrating i do not know whom to talk to about it because i do not want to look any weaker than i already do. 

and the guy who claims who will be  there for me is always busy. and i am afraid that he will leave me the moment he knows that i am emotionally unstable. 

and i just cannot bring myself to tell my siblings or my mom about this because i do not want to get them worried. 

i am 20. turning 21 in a month. it is time to toughen the fuck up. it is okay to cry. as long it is within the four walls of your room. where everything is going to be contained and no one will know that you are a weak thing on the inside.

i just cannot help feeling this constant void darkhole which keeps sucking everything out of me. it is inside me. i just do not want to open up to anyone. i am so scared. my supposedly and allegedly bestfriend just told me that i am full of dramas and emotional breakdowns and he was that close to ending his friendship with me after i have planned his birthday surprise party all along. 

in the end you are always fucking alone. everyone will tell you that you are not alone but it is all lie. lies that we choose to believe and immerse ourselves within.

 
 

whatsapp from my coucou

i will always be patient with you my love.

i know your past with relationship was not all sunshine and rainbows, mine neither.

i cannot change yesterday. i cannot promise you tomorrow, i can though promise you that everyday i will work to make us stay intact and i will always love you as though you are the last lady on planet earth.

we may differ in certain belief and practice but what are humans if we are all the same and i respect that.

i will always be yours love.

study hard and not lose notes no more!

<3 <3 <3


he just had to remind me that i lost my hematology notes :) and made me smile while doing that. 

stop and stare

so stop.

do not get carried away.

take a deep breath. 

and take a good look around you.


kiss the person you love.

smell that flower.

while sipping lemonade.

the world is not that bad after all. :)

eye candy

can this guy get anymore perfect?

love love love love chris carrabba from dashboard confessional <3

cravings

what is wrong with girls and their endless craving for guys' attention?

so many dramas have arisen from this.

my friend happens to be the victim.


she is such a sweetheart with sparks in her eyes.

however many have judged her because of this. including me.


maybe i am writing this as a way to repent my sin. maybe i am not. but i know for a fact that i am writing this to save others from unnecessary dramas in the future.


because this insane craving, she fought with her 2 ex-bestfriends.

she knows what people think of her.


she is doing everything she can to fix her friendship.


but it is all too late now.



 

the village/ the dusun

these pics from the dusun make me crave for a small getaway since life has been a little too hectic. especially with studies.

enjoying the nature. just let the nature to work her magic on you.

this is one of the places i would love to visit before i turn 25.

yes, i have my 25 before 25 list :)

have a good weekend loves. 

a few random things that have made me smile

mango sago pudding from din tai fung

no one can say no this cutie's face. always looking forward to see ella whenever i go to Sh's house.

one of my favorite graphic novels. been reading it over and over again.