M and J

I am sorry for the blog hiatus because there have been so many things going on.

so for a quick update....

1. I am currently in my final year of medicine! *woot woot*

2. I am in Melbourne now and loving it! would love to be able to get a job here

3. I broke up with J :)


So...about the break-up...it was nasty and messy.

A lot of yelling and cursing.

Not something you would expect from a 28 years old but then again, who knew right? That's why roses have thorns.

for those who have been reading my blog through out the years ( which is so unlikely given the repeated hiatus), you guys are aware of how I always got entangled in shitty relationships that affected me and left me in this emotional mess.

But this break up made me realise and opened my eyes. I learned a lot about myself and the importance of friendship. I would not go through the same break up again but I am thankful for the more mature person I have become after the break up.

I will give you updates about life in Melbourne in the upcoming posts.

Till then, ciao lovelies. 

safety net

so my friend, let's call him MA, has been going through a very bad break-up.

i remember when he first introduced me to the girl who would eventually break his heart. it was at a house warming party where he had cooked amazing dishes. then suddenly this girl with a sweet smile arrived and he introduced me to her. 

'hi my name is E'

she looked nice.

MA started telling me all wonderful things about her. and when they got together, i was one of the first few people he announced the great news to. i was thrilled for them. they look cute together.

this was two years ago.

a few weeks ago MA told me how they were on the rocks and she met a personal trainer at the gym and their romantic pictures.


and after a long winding road of arguments and emotional turbulences, my friend decided to give up.


and just when he decided to give up, this girl started texting him sweet things but at the same time still posts pictures of her and the new guy.


my point? 


if you are going to settle for another guy, do not make your ex-boyfriend your safety net. i was guilty of this too. 

i understand that somehow feelings change. for better or worse. but making someone your safety net is not right.

sunday's soundtrack

there are always those people who have claimed a certain amount of love you have. 

and as this song says, i just cannot take my eyes off him.

we are still talking. in good terms. promised that we would be friends although we both know that will be a lie, sooner or later.

however, i wanna dip myself in that sea of lies. 

cos in that sea, the heat of the sun will not reach me.

sunday soundtrack

i have been pretty much listening to this song. the voice and the lyrics make me shiver. and cry. it just pretty much says whatever i am feeling right now.

i miss S. i saw him last night. tried being nice by saying a sincere hi. his face was gloomy. i guess i do not deserve him anymore. i am the reason why he is sad. he deserves someone else. 

there is time for everything. and now, it is time to let go.

rain in the desert

maybe i am wishing for rain to happen in the desert

that's why i am listening to ron pope's song. a drop in the ocean. listen to it. beautiful lyrics.

call me stupid. an over-reacting stupid person.

but the heart does not want to agree with the brain.

nothing makes me feel better. not even the triumph of losing 3kgs just like that. out of no where.

i need you. but i don't want to need you. i want us to go our own separate ways. cos, i said before, we are too dangerous to be together. we love and hurt each other.

i dreamed of you last night. 

it's not funny.

after the long-sought sleep i finally managed to get, i got you as a bonus.

don't know if should be happy or pissed. 

blogging makes me sane. for some weird reasons. i feel like i am talking to someone even though i know i am not. 

sometimes i wish you're reading this. my blog. so that it would be easier for you to understand me. i am not a vocal person like you. i am like this. i have this side to me that i don't even understand about myself. 

but again, i should have put more effort as well.

i don't know whether it's too late or not. 

i don't know what i want. i am a fucking confused soul.

but i know it's not too late to study for my upcoming final exam.

so yea.

i hope you do well too S.

again. another sobby post which has no end i guess

so. S crossed my mind again. for the n-th time. the more i want him to get the fuck out of my mind, the more he keeps popping out of no where.

i miss him.

but i know. the moment we get back together. we would fight. it's none of our fault. it's just...like that.

we are peanut butter and nutella. 

we taste good. amazing. but we make you gain weight like fuck. despite that, you still want us. despite the consequences.

stupid.

no. it's not stupid.

it's being humane.

or, as S put it before, we are like tempeh goreng and sambal.

funny how things are so different now.

the distant memories feel like they were just yesterday.

when we were flirting on facebook. saying how we would click just like some food combination. talking about how i like panda hug. how i like his smell. gucci guilty.

i am tearing now.

it is not funny.

i hate this.

please hurt me. more. let me cry like a howling wolf for a night. and i will be okay on the next day.

i forgot when we broke up. when things went anticlimatic.

it's funny how after we broke up, i always remember you whenever i see oakley shop or mooncakes.

two sides of the same coin

so. i was procrastinating with anatomy. as usual. like you know, i keep telling myself i can do it later although i know it is the biggest shittiest lie i ever tell myself.

then. i was trying to focus on this awesome anatomy vid on lower limb i found. acland's videos just did not cut it for me. his voice makes me sleepy all the time. all the med students out there know for sure what i am talking about.

this is the infamous acland's guy

anyway...coming back to the point. so, my friend, C, gave me a link to read on. from a blog called the thought catalog.

so. this particular post. hit me right there. like bullseye.

this post talks about how love and hate are two sides of the same coin. apathy is the total opposite. and i just could not stop thinking how true this is. when i was angry and told S that i hated him i knew deep down i still loved him. now that i just ignore his presence continuously, always hoping to never ever bump into him.i am totally losing my feeling. 

my feelings are like ashes being poured into the sea. the sea brings them no where mankind can ever find. 

so. for those couples out there who are having fight. i really really hope you guys find a midpoint and don't experience what i had. if your boyfriends/girlfriends say mean things to you, it is still better than ignoring your presence. i know the words hurt. as the bible puts it, tongue is the most evil part of the body. it is very hard to control and has brain of its own.

i got so used to not seeing him at all. ignoring his presence. pretending as if he never existed in my life before. then, it is such an alien feeling to see him again. but i just ignore him. it is foreign. awkward. not pleasant. it is just a mixture of everything.

but the fact i actually ignore him because i choose to proves that i am feeling the total opposite of love. i hate him. sometimes i do not hate him. but 80% of the time i do.

yes. i am a confused person. but i am pretty sure i am better without him. sort of. well. if i am not, i am trying to tell myself a lie that will become the truth. cos truth is a lie that you keep telling yourself and everyone repetitively until all of you believe it. 

hemm. that sentence just made me draw a new conclusion. so truth and lie are actually just like love and hate. two sides of the same coin.

oh well. i better put the energy to better use. such as doing the rural assignment. will talk/post about that soon.

ciao loves.

go away and don't come back

people ask me if i am okay.

people ask me if i am doing well without you.

i am well. until they ask me about it.

you're like the chocolate bar i ate when i was dieting and tried to ignore the fact that i ate until someone reminded me of the calorie content.

there are so many things i want to tell you.

but i always run out of words.

stop posting whatever you are feeling on facebook. even though those statuses are anonymous, i am not stupid enough to not know that those are aimed at me.

let me make it clear. i am not a slut just because i wear shorts. or tank tops.

i am the same person, with and without you. still the same girl who obsesses over fashion and studies like a crazy person. still the same person who cries whenever i see cockroaches.

the same person you fell for. 

so..if i am a slut. then you fell for the slut. 

i hate how i always read your statuses and how i feel so low and unworthy after reading them. i hate how you always attack other religions, especially mine. i hate how you always calculate the amount of money left in your wallet after you treat me to a dinner when we were together. i hate how you complain about the stuffs mom buys for me. it is not my fault if mom buys me chanel and givenchy bags. i hate how you make me friendless in medical school last semester. i hate how you always give me the hostile look as if i am the most disgusting piece of shit after we break up. i hate how you always talk as if you have gone through a lot of stuffs. i hate how you always make sound when you chew.i hate how you always complain about small things. i hate how you always act as if you know me better than my mom. i hate how you are such a cheapskate.

someone called me after hearing about our break-up. i was fine. then i got reminded of everything.

i hate you. 

i hate that i always check your statuses.

i hate everything related to you.

i hate it.

when people say there is only a thin line between love and hate, those people are right.

i want you to go away. and never come back. i don't want any memory of us to every exist anymore. just go away. 

you ended it. so you have to go away.

now i know why aisyah broke up with you. 

i bet it is for the exact same reason with what i am feeling right now.

 

what i have in mind right now

happier? yes..

actually, truth to be told..breaking up with S has made me quite a happier person if i see it from different perspectives. i get to spend more time with these amazing girls, study more, and work out more. i have made progress with my weight as well. now i weigh at 64. i still have a few more kgs to lose though.

medschool girls <3

hungry face!

elaine! my frenchy cherrie! <3

i have more time for myself. yes, the empty feeling after the break up is still there but i believe life has its own ways. sooner or later, both of us, S and i, would wake up and find that life is not that empty anymore. and yes, there will be one day, that we will be with different people. the day shall come. 

now i shall focus on exam

for those of you who are studying medicine as well. we shall make love with netters and grays. and guyton. these amazing guys. we shall immerse ourselves in them. you guys totally know what i mean ( i hope ).

and after exam..

i shall stuff my face with this

Plan B brownies! nyum!

 and go here

Pulau Rawa in Johor

hopefully. if i pass my exams. crossing my fingers tightly.

okay. i had my coffee. time to shower and put my studying cap on. 

ciao loves!

sunday soundtrack : i am not crazy. i am just a lil unwell.

if only you had stayed a tad bit longer. you would have known that i am not crazy. 

i was unwell.

but now i am well.

i learned to be myself again. 

it was not all smooth. but yea, it worked 

just because you are so much older than me, does not mean that you are always right.

 

Life has to go on

S

I don't know how I am supposed to start.

We tried yet we did not make it. We were crushed. 

I understand if you want to bitch about me. It is perfectly humane to do so.

So, please understand if i do the same thing.

I know you most probably are never going to read this. Nonetheless I am still going to write it down

You were an amazing friend with amazing sense of humor. You have an amazing family that loves you and looks up on you. With your dominant personality, many people are keen to be your friends, including me.

We went from friends to romance. It was all beautiful. Rainbows and unicorns. not roses, but jasmine for me :-)

but things happened. and we can't cope with it

my mom
studies
life
religion
different views regarding life
unbridgeable differences

we tried and got hurt. still did not work
 
Now, we both know that you need someone that's unlike me.

You need someone who is ready for something more serious.
You need someone who can dedicate 80% of her time for you.
You need someone who's willing to give up her shorts for you.
You need someone who does not mind gaining pounds for you.
You need someone who can score even without studying.

I can't be that someone.

I tried. But i can't

I am 19. turning 20. still figuring out who I am.

thanks to you. now i know myself more. i understand myself more. i realized what i want and don't want in life. 

i appreciate small things that make me happy these days.

i miss you. and seeing the stuffed animal you gave me still makes me tear up these nights. but life has to go on, sooner or later. K. the girl you have been hanging out with seems to be a good girl. i can picture you together with her. whoever your spouse is in the future, i hope she makes you happy.

thank you

good bye