sunday soundtrack and some random musings/shenanigans

HAPPY SUNDAY!

woke up after 6 hours of sleep. gosh. i miss sleeping for 8 hours. my eyebags can use a surgery right now. or the super expensive la mer eye cream

going to hit the gym for body pump class, do grocery, then study like usual. working out makes me feel sane and in control of my life.

i hate how i have a very short attention span. i get distracted easily when i study. i wish i can study like some people in my course. 

i woke up, made myself a cup of hot milk and now here i am, sipping my hot milk and blogging. life is good at these times. and the fact that i had a good night with my friend, N. we had sheesha last night and she was so nice! 

i am really scared for exam. i am afraid that i am going to fail this exam. so many things to study. i know i can do better. it is just hard to do so. but i believe if i put my mind to it, i can do it, juggling things between studying, taking care myself, and friends.

i saw S yesterday. he looked...odd. in a sense that, he looked.... i don't know how to describe it. i just found him....odd. he gained weight i think. he should do something about it. i am worried. he has high blood pressure. at the age of 24. it's not very common for a 24 years old boy, isn't it? i hope he is doing fine with his assignments as well. oh well. someone said he could not study when he was with me. so yeah. nevertheless, i hope he does something about his health. it is not funny to die from a heart attack at such a young age. *knock on the wood* and he has siblings who love him. so S, please please watch over your health.

anyway, i have to go. i have to get ready too. i have not been posting any good posts. i know. i am so sorry :(

this is my sunday soundtrack for this week. i just love this guy. he is so darn talented!

ciao! xx

rain in the desert

maybe i am wishing for rain to happen in the desert

that's why i am listening to ron pope's song. a drop in the ocean. listen to it. beautiful lyrics.

call me stupid. an over-reacting stupid person.

but the heart does not want to agree with the brain.

nothing makes me feel better. not even the triumph of losing 3kgs just like that. out of no where.

i need you. but i don't want to need you. i want us to go our own separate ways. cos, i said before, we are too dangerous to be together. we love and hurt each other.

i dreamed of you last night. 

it's not funny.

after the long-sought sleep i finally managed to get, i got you as a bonus.

don't know if should be happy or pissed. 

blogging makes me sane. for some weird reasons. i feel like i am talking to someone even though i know i am not. 

sometimes i wish you're reading this. my blog. so that it would be easier for you to understand me. i am not a vocal person like you. i am like this. i have this side to me that i don't even understand about myself. 

but again, i should have put more effort as well.

i don't know whether it's too late or not. 

i don't know what i want. i am a fucking confused soul.

but i know it's not too late to study for my upcoming final exam.

so yea.

i hope you do well too S.

again. another sobby post which has no end i guess

so. S crossed my mind again. for the n-th time. the more i want him to get the fuck out of my mind, the more he keeps popping out of no where.

i miss him.

but i know. the moment we get back together. we would fight. it's none of our fault. it's just...like that.

we are peanut butter and nutella. 

we taste good. amazing. but we make you gain weight like fuck. despite that, you still want us. despite the consequences.

stupid.

no. it's not stupid.

it's being humane.

or, as S put it before, we are like tempeh goreng and sambal.

funny how things are so different now.

the distant memories feel like they were just yesterday.

when we were flirting on facebook. saying how we would click just like some food combination. talking about how i like panda hug. how i like his smell. gucci guilty.

i am tearing now.

it is not funny.

i hate this.

please hurt me. more. let me cry like a howling wolf for a night. and i will be okay on the next day.

i forgot when we broke up. when things went anticlimatic.

it's funny how after we broke up, i always remember you whenever i see oakley shop or mooncakes.

go away and don't come back

people ask me if i am okay.

people ask me if i am doing well without you.

i am well. until they ask me about it.

you're like the chocolate bar i ate when i was dieting and tried to ignore the fact that i ate until someone reminded me of the calorie content.

there are so many things i want to tell you.

but i always run out of words.

stop posting whatever you are feeling on facebook. even though those statuses are anonymous, i am not stupid enough to not know that those are aimed at me.

let me make it clear. i am not a slut just because i wear shorts. or tank tops.

i am the same person, with and without you. still the same girl who obsesses over fashion and studies like a crazy person. still the same person who cries whenever i see cockroaches.

the same person you fell for. 

so..if i am a slut. then you fell for the slut. 

i hate how i always read your statuses and how i feel so low and unworthy after reading them. i hate how you always attack other religions, especially mine. i hate how you always calculate the amount of money left in your wallet after you treat me to a dinner when we were together. i hate how you complain about the stuffs mom buys for me. it is not my fault if mom buys me chanel and givenchy bags. i hate how you make me friendless in medical school last semester. i hate how you always give me the hostile look as if i am the most disgusting piece of shit after we break up. i hate how you always talk as if you have gone through a lot of stuffs. i hate how you always make sound when you chew.i hate how you always complain about small things. i hate how you always act as if you know me better than my mom. i hate how you are such a cheapskate.

someone called me after hearing about our break-up. i was fine. then i got reminded of everything.

i hate you. 

i hate that i always check your statuses.

i hate everything related to you.

i hate it.

when people say there is only a thin line between love and hate, those people are right.

i want you to go away. and never come back. i don't want any memory of us to every exist anymore. just go away. 

you ended it. so you have to go away.

now i know why aisyah broke up with you. 

i bet it is for the exact same reason with what i am feeling right now.

 

what i have in mind right now

sunday soundtrack : i am not crazy. i am just a lil unwell.

if only you had stayed a tad bit longer. you would have known that i am not crazy. 

i was unwell.

but now i am well.

i learned to be myself again. 

it was not all smooth. but yea, it worked 

just because you are so much older than me, does not mean that you are always right.

 

Life has to go on

S

I don't know how I am supposed to start.

We tried yet we did not make it. We were crushed. 

I understand if you want to bitch about me. It is perfectly humane to do so.

So, please understand if i do the same thing.

I know you most probably are never going to read this. Nonetheless I am still going to write it down

You were an amazing friend with amazing sense of humor. You have an amazing family that loves you and looks up on you. With your dominant personality, many people are keen to be your friends, including me.

We went from friends to romance. It was all beautiful. Rainbows and unicorns. not roses, but jasmine for me :-)

but things happened. and we can't cope with it

my mom
studies
life
religion
different views regarding life
unbridgeable differences

we tried and got hurt. still did not work
 
Now, we both know that you need someone that's unlike me.

You need someone who is ready for something more serious.
You need someone who can dedicate 80% of her time for you.
You need someone who's willing to give up her shorts for you.
You need someone who does not mind gaining pounds for you.
You need someone who can score even without studying.

I can't be that someone.

I tried. But i can't

I am 19. turning 20. still figuring out who I am.

thanks to you. now i know myself more. i understand myself more. i realized what i want and don't want in life. 

i appreciate small things that make me happy these days.

i miss you. and seeing the stuffed animal you gave me still makes me tear up these nights. but life has to go on, sooner or later. K. the girl you have been hanging out with seems to be a good girl. i can picture you together with her. whoever your spouse is in the future, i hope she makes you happy.

thank you

good bye

 

Update on Life

Hi.

Sorry i haven't posted for ages. 

I know that your blog is somewhat equivalent to your child.

You nurture it.

It's a fruit of your mind and effort.

However...life has not allowed me to nurture this baby of mine.

I am sorry.

S broke up with me. more than a month ago. thus, the blogging hiatus.

Medical school is tough.

The pelvic bone is funny.

And there are so many drugs to relieve blood pressure acting on different sites.

I love you, whoever you are as long as you're reading this.

I decided that my love for S is better used for other people.

The effort i put into the relationship is better used for other things.

And S needs someone more suited for him.

I love you S. good bye

Hello blogging world. Please welcome me with open arms because I miss you so much.

if you have instagram, please follow me @rilakubell and take a peak into my world. It's not always glamorous but i love it :-)

My New Baby :D

The new love of my life ( I am sorry S :P )... *DRUM ROLLS PLEASE*

My new baby, large Givenchy Nightingale in calf skin

 

I just have to share this happy news :D I love this bag and its versatility. And it suits my emo/hippie style hehehe :D 

Okay, I am off to have lunch with S, study and then body pump session at night! :D

Dignity as a Woman

I just need to say this out of my heart. 

I am a good student. I study hard. I made it to Monash Medical School. I work out. I don't do drugs. I listen to my friends' stories if they need me. I don't have any tattoo. I never dye my hair. I don't go clubbing that often. I run marathon to raise money for good cause. I am part of the charity group in my college. I go to church. I don't discriminate towards any particular race. My friends vary from Egyptians to Australians. AND I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX.

It is just frustrating when after 5 months together, your boyfriend told you one night that he has had sex before. And you were left feeling.... I dunno how to say it. I love him because he prays 5 times a day, he is mature, he makes me feel safe all the time, and he always tries to make me think positively. He is everything I have ever wanted. And now, I am faced with this....

I have always portrayed him as this religious conservative guy... Yet now the pictures are shattered. I don't know If i still feel the same way. I still love him yet something is different now...

And he told me that so many people have asked me if he has had sex with me and how the sex is. I mean.... seriously???? These people, they go clubbing, have sex, and fail their exams. I don't know how to feel.

Even S used to think that I was not a virgin until he got to know me better...

I know these should not matter but I feel sad, hurt, and devastated that they can simply think like that. I don't think that they have any right to do so since I don't judge them.

 
I really don't know how to feel.... I don't want to become a drama queen but this thing breaks my heart... I feel like my dignity as a woman has been stomped down...



 
 

BAD BLOGGER :'(

I AM SUCH A BAD BLOGGER :((((( 

I am sorry for missing for a long timeeeeeee. It's just medschool is damn kraayzziieehh and I have been juggling to balance everything out and I still have yet to figure how to balance things out. :(

And, exam is coming on the 2nd of April and I still have a lot of things waiting to get stuffed into my little brain. 

And I am juggling between eating healthily and working out with my crazy schedule. :(
My sugar craving has gone haywire and the sugar has shown its effects on me. ( HELLO PIMPLES AND ZITS )

Until I have found out how to declutter and organize my life, I am not able to post in an arranged manner :/

Anyway, here I am, at Starbucks with S. He is playing with his new toy ( the brand new iPad HD ) and I am stuck with my lappie and my histology book.

her drink ( tall low fat hot chocolate ) and his drink ( venti caramel java chip )

my 'beloved' histology book

Okay, I am off to study the joints, bones and connective tissue now. Gonna update really soon! And wish me luck for my exam on the 2nd of April! *fingers crossed*

Ciao! See you soon peeps ;)

Sunday Soundtrack ;)

Okay, since I am missing S so much, I think this song is my perfect Sunday Soundtrack. 


Gym Class Heroes ft. Neon Hitch - Ass Back Home

[Neon Hitch - Chorus]
I don’t know, where you’re going
Or when you’re coming home
I left the keys under the mat to our front door
For one more chance to hold you close
I don’t know, where you’re going
Just get your ass back home

[Travie McCoy]
We both knew this type of life didn’t come with instructions
So I’m trying to do my best to make something out of nothing
And sometimes it gets downright shitty in fact
When you call and I don’t even know what city I’m in at
Or what day of the week in the middle of the month
In a year I don’t recall
It’s like my life’s on repeat and the last time we spoke
I told you I wouldn’t be long,
That was last November, now December’s almost gone
I’d apologize but I don’t realize what I’m doing wrong

[Chorus]
I don’t know, where you’re going
Or when you’re coming home
I left the keys under the mat to our front door
For one more chance to hold you close
I don’t know, where you’re going
Just get your ass back home

[Travie McCoy]
And you’ve been nothing but amazing
And I never take that for granted
Half of these birds would have flew the coop
But you, you truly understand it
And the fact you stood beside me,
Every time you heard some bogusness
You deserve a standing o ‘cause they’d a just been over it
Let em talk, let em talk, let em talk, let em talk
Like we don’t hear what they saying
Let em walk, let em walk, let em walk, let em walk
We’ll just drive by and keep waving
Cause you and I above all that
Just let them wallow in it
Now they all choked up, yuck
Cause they be swallowing it

[Chorus]
I don’t know, where you’re going
Or when you’re coming home
I left the keys under the mat to our front door
For one more chance to hold you close
I don’t know, where you’re going
Just get your ass back home

No one hold me down like you do sweetheart
You keep doing that, I keep doing this
We’ll be alright in the end
Trust that
We put the us in trust, baby
Let’s go

I don’t care what you’re after
As long as I’m the one, no
I don’t care why you’re leaving
You’ll miss me when you’re gone

[Chorus]
I don’t know, where you’re going
Or when you’re coming home
I left the keys under the mat to our front door
For one more chance to hold you close
I don’t know, where you’re going
Just get your ass back home.
 
copied from azlyrics.com

What's your Sunday Soundtrack peeps? Have a great Sunday! :)

Update on H and My Rant of the Day

For those of you who have been reading my blog constantly, you guys should know by now that I am dating S and I used to date H. Surprise surprise? My close friend is now dating H. I am happy for her because she's happy with him and don't get me wrong please, I am totally over him. But the uneasy feeling you get in your stomach when you know that your ex is dating someone from your circle of friends. The awkwardness that will happen when you bump into both of them because you wanna be happy for your close friend but there is another side of you which does not allow you to be friendly with the guy because he used to stomp on you like crazy. And God knows what kind of gibberish he has been saying to her. 

The mere fact that now he is happy when I actually want him to suffer. The mere fact that now he has moved on. The mere fact that now because of my stupid friend who broke the sis-code #1 which is " THOU SHALLT NOT DATE YOUR CLOSE FRIEND'S EX", things are going to be super awkward. The mere fact that I want to come to her and tell her that this douche will eventually break her heart like he did with me.

I just want to tell the world how he is such a hypocrite who is radical about politics and religion.

I know some of you might think that I should just let it be since I am with S. Trust me, I am trying to shoo this bad feeling off but I just can't.

Oh well, I heard that looking good more than ever is the best revenge. So I think I just shall try that. ;)

Gym, diet, salon and spa, here I come! <3

Sunday Soundtrack

I have decided to make a special post every Sunday called Sunday Soundtrack. The idea is to put the lyrics of a song that can totally reflect what I am feeling at that particular time. So, since H has been occupying mind, I think this song by Beyonce called Best Thing I Never Had can depict my feelings perfectly. Enjoy! :)

What goes around comes back around, hey! (my baby),
What goes around comes back around, hey! (my baby),
I say what goes around comes back around, hey! (my baby),
What goes around comes back around...

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right,
No lies, no wrong,
Boy I must have been out of my mind,
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you,
You showed your ass and I, I saw the real you!

Thank God you blew it,
Thank God I dodged the bullet,
I'm so over you
So baby go lookin' out!

[Chorus]
I wanted you bad,
I'm so through with it,
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
You turned out to be the best thing I never had,
And I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had,
Oh yeah, I bet it sucks to be you right now!

So sad, you're hurt,
Boo hoo, oh did you expect me to care?
You don't deserve my tears,
I guess that's why they ain't there,
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you,
You showed your ass and baby yes I saw the real you!

Thank God you blew it,
Oh thank God I dodged the bullet,
I'm so over you,
Baby go lookin' out!

Beyonce Best Thing I Never Had lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/beyonce-best-thing-i-never-had-lyrics.html

[Chorus]
I wanted you bad,
I'm so through with it,
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
I say, you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Hmm and I'll never be the best thing you never had,
Oh baby I bet it sucks to be you right now!

I know you want me back,
It's time to face the facts
That I'm the one that's got away,
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life,
Thank God I found the good in goodbye!

[Chorus]
Oh I used to want you so bad!
I'm so through with it,
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Oh you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
And I will always be the best thing you never had,
Ouhh best thing you never had!

I used to want you so bad!
I'm so through with it,
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Oh you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Ouh I'll never be the best thing you never had,
Ohh baby, I bet it sucks to be you right now!

(What goes around comes back around),
(What goes around comes back around),
I bet it sucks to be you right now,
(What goes around comes back around),
I bet it sucks to be you right now,
(What goes around comes back around),
I bet it sucks to be you right now.

Yes H, it sucks to be you right now. You didn't make it to Monash and you lost me. Hope you learned your lesson. I am happy with S now :) <3

I am better off without you

Have you ever been feeling like you are being taken for granted? I have for SO MANY TIMES that I have lost counts. H, my first friend that I made in Malaysia and my ex-boyfriend, seems to be taking me for granted. H, I know you won’t be reading this but please understand that I am no longer your girlfriend and I am so sick of your sarcasms. You are an awesome person but you hurt me so badly. You dumped me just because you thought that I caused so many havocs for you and then you asked me for a second chance. And it was shit stupid of me to give it to you. And then, you treated me like shit yet I still loved you. You put ‘ I am single and I know it ;) ‘ as your status. You care about a Pakistani girl who likes you yet you don’t care about me. Then, the climax was when you called me to meet after ignoring me for one week just to tell me that this whole thing wasn’t working. Such a masterpiece. I would still love you because we shared a strong bond. Even though I love S right now, I still loved you as a friend until you gave me your typical sarcasms and snit comments. I CAN’T HANDLE IT ANYMORE. You were the one who said we were better off as friends yet you can’t accept the fact that I’m so much happier with S than you. H, I’m sorry but it’s too much. I hope you realize that your ego has been hurting me more than I hurt you. Stop being so self centered and realize that everything should not always follow your way or your pace.

Goodbye for now until you can fix your ego H. I really hope we still can be good friends :') 

And just accept the fact that I am happy with S and I am not begging for your attention anymore.

Freshman Fifteen? :(

I bet you guys have heard a lot about freshman fifteen and sadly I am on my way there :(. I've gained 8 pounds and I want to stop it and go back to my old self.

I was browsing through some blogs and I came across to http://mealsandmovesblog.com/ which is having an event called Dedicated December. Basically what you do is you stick to your healthy eating regime and work out regime despite December being a holiday month to see your old or better self! :) 

I used to weigh around 64-65 kgs ( my happy weight ) and now I weigh 67-68. I would love to go down to 60 but now I just wanna go down to 65 first.

I would love to be a better version of myself. I mean, I am not fat and I have to admit that I am kinda flabby because during the past 2 months I have not been working out and staying in the library all the time makes my thighs no good even though it did its job in terms of scores.

So, for this Dedicated December, I want to:

1. start each day with a glass of warm water. It can flush out all the toxins and make you healthier and your skin glow

2. work out at least 3 times a week in the gym and besides that is swimming or yoga to make sure that I stay active.

3. Reduce sugar intake because it is creating havoc on my body and on my skin ( pimples! )

4. stay committed even though the scale might not show any progress because the main idea is to get healthier! :)

5. eat more salads!

There are a lot more that you can do but it's better to start from something small isn't it? :)

and since me and S are going to embark on it together, i hope it is going to be easier LOL.

December's Lust List

printed silk kimono from Massimo Dutti

DKNY cozy cardigan

House of Harlow metal fringe earrings

 DKNY Be Delicious Perfume

What's your Lust List for this month? :)

I hope S is reading this and gives me one of these as Christmas present. :D

Even though he is Muslim, he should bear in mind that I'm a Christian lol.

P.S : The cardigan and the kimono will surely help in super cold lecture classes and I want to be a fashionable doctor, not the nerdy and messy looking one. :P

S comes to the rescue! Like usual :)

Last night I was telling S about my insecurities. I am deeply worried about what is happening between us. Even though it feels so right in every possible way, I am still broken from the previous relationships. Even though S has managed to make me feel safe all the time, I just can’t help but thinking about all negative possibilities and I have been talking about this to him ever since. I am not ready for fights and dramas at this moment….

This morning, S gave me a quote which is just perfect.

'A relationship without challenges is mundane. Be grateful for the little hurdles you have to go through together to make you a stronger pair.'

For those who are having troubles in their relationships, I hope this quote can strengthen you guys. 

Thank you for understanding me S. I love you :)

Can’t wait to see you in 6 more days love.