chain of the past

every time i want to move forward and tell myself i want to be a better person ladidadidum etc, i always find myself filled with disgust.

why you may ask

it is because i am so ashamed of what i did in the past.

i always think ' how could i do this? how could i have done that? what was i thinking? '

like most 20 years old girl with troubled family ( read : drug addict dad and broken family ) , i have issues with confidence, self-love/hate and perfection.

in most people's eyes, i am considered to be a decent girl. i have not had sex ( i , by no means, try to condescend people who have. it is just in my culture, people are still obsessed about this. i am deeply sorry for those who are offended ), am studying in medical school with decent grades ( recently scored the highest in the public health exam ) , do not go out smoking etc etc. in someone's eyes, i pretty much look like a girl next door.

but deep down lies this insecurity where i just need extra love where i can feel secure about myself.

i think that explains why i always get attracted to a new guy and get bored after 2 months and end up hurting myself and the guy.

so this year i told myself i should stop this vicious cycle.

but every time i tell myself, i end up remembering all the stupid things in the past and get sick of myself and want to cry. it is hard to tell yourself it is okay to let go of the past and move on. i am so scared of committing the same crime/mistake. 

i keep reiterating what i need to do to myself yet i find myself being belittled by my own inner voice that blames me, nothing can wash away the impurities.

does anyone out there feel the same?

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