alone

i am just dying for an approval.

isn't everyone?

i am so scared to let people know about the negative thought lingering in my head. 

what if the people i cherish start leaving me because of this stupid thought.

in the end you are always alone.


love is an illusion created by your brain.

your boyfriend only wants to be with you when you are at your best.

once he cannot take it, he will leave. just like others. leaving another scar.


i wish i can numb my feelings. be a heartless person.

so that i could careless about what others say or do.


i hate that feeling when you desperately need someone and that person you think will be there is never there. relationship and friendship and all the sweet words seem to be mere void meaningless alphabets which are randomly arranged.


i am not happy. i want to leave. but i do not want to hurt you. i do not want to be hurt either. 


 

depression

continuous low mood or sadness

feeling hopeless and helpless

having low self-esteem

feeling tearful

feeling guilt-ridden

feeling irritable and intolerant of others

having no motivation or interest in things

finding it difficult to make decisions

not getting any enjoyment out of life

feeling anxious or worried

having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself


have you guys ever felt/experienced what is listed above? i have been feeling them 24/7 that it is not funny. i cry myself to sleep all night. i do not know whom to talk to because i know most people will think that it is utter bullshit. i do not feel like hanging out with most of my friends. i screamed and broke down in front of one of my friends who thinks i am so full of dramas now.

well.

based on the symptoms above. i have clinical depression. i would like to think no. but it seems like it. and it is so frustrating i do not know whom to talk to about it because i do not want to look any weaker than i already do. 

and the guy who claims who will be  there for me is always busy. and i am afraid that he will leave me the moment he knows that i am emotionally unstable. 

and i just cannot bring myself to tell my siblings or my mom about this because i do not want to get them worried. 

i am 20. turning 21 in a month. it is time to toughen the fuck up. it is okay to cry. as long it is within the four walls of your room. where everything is going to be contained and no one will know that you are a weak thing on the inside.

i just cannot help feeling this constant void darkhole which keeps sucking everything out of me. it is inside me. i just do not want to open up to anyone. i am so scared. my supposedly and allegedly bestfriend just told me that i am full of dramas and emotional breakdowns and he was that close to ending his friendship with me after i have planned his birthday surprise party all along. 

in the end you are always fucking alone. everyone will tell you that you are not alone but it is all lie. lies that we choose to believe and immerse ourselves within.

 
 

cravings

what is wrong with girls and their endless craving for guys' attention?

so many dramas have arisen from this.

my friend happens to be the victim.


she is such a sweetheart with sparks in her eyes.

however many have judged her because of this. including me.


maybe i am writing this as a way to repent my sin. maybe i am not. but i know for a fact that i am writing this to save others from unnecessary dramas in the future.


because this insane craving, she fought with her 2 ex-bestfriends.

she knows what people think of her.


she is doing everything she can to fix her friendship.


but it is all too late now.



 

today is just not a good day. period

sometimes i think i am such a fucking bitch for having inner voices that tell me this and that. inner voices that tell me other people are fucking assholes and bitches. i tell myself it is just me being a spoilt brat. but sometimes i think my voices are true.

today. S' friend was being a fucking douche bag. he told me i am fat. yes. simply because i told him i just bought packages of good food. which i bought to share with my friends. then he told me my ed hardy iphone case is fake. i told him i bought it at the apple store. still he said it's fake. hemmm. can see how someone is being mature.

then i saw S. it was just. fuck this shit moment. then my friends were being fickle and everything. i just hate it when they say they want to study and all that shit but they don't. please. mature up. this is why i choose to be alone most of the time. you like some people, you talk to them, you decide to spend more time together, then BOOM. they crush your expectations to ashes.

like. get serious. i feel like crying. it is just so annoying. i feel like killing myself in these times. maybe i am being a drama queen. but i just cannot tell anyone about this. it is so annoying. the moment i tell this to someone, they will think i am such a complaining spoiled brat who cannot stop hating. like when i decided to tell S about my feelings and thoughts about some people. then he judged me for being this rich spoiled kid.

yes people have their own problems. but i am just reaching my limit. yes i should be grateful with my life. but right now i really cannot see how i should be grateful. i hate it. i hate everything. i just want to run away. i want to pass my exams. i hate my dad. thank you dad for giving me this shitty life. i hope your daughter dies. i hope your new wife dies. i hope you die soon. i fucking hate you. it all started with you. i really hope you die.

if it had not been for you, my life would have not been like this. i hate you.

people expect all the good things from you. they don't know that you have your own limits as well. just because i am nice, i never complain, i follow you guys everywhere, it does not mean that i never get pissed. i had enough. honestly.

if people are going to hate me for my full of hatred posts, i am sorry. but writing these posts keeps me sane.

okay now i am going to focus on studies.

sorry readers. i am definitely not the nicest person you have seen/met. i am trying to be the best version of myself but sometimes, it is just so fucking hard.