alone

i am just dying for an approval.

isn't everyone?

i am so scared to let people know about the negative thought lingering in my head. 

what if the people i cherish start leaving me because of this stupid thought.

in the end you are always alone.


love is an illusion created by your brain.

your boyfriend only wants to be with you when you are at your best.

once he cannot take it, he will leave. just like others. leaving another scar.


i wish i can numb my feelings. be a heartless person.

so that i could careless about what others say or do.


i hate that feeling when you desperately need someone and that person you think will be there is never there. relationship and friendship and all the sweet words seem to be mere void meaningless alphabets which are randomly arranged.


i am not happy. i want to leave. but i do not want to hurt you. i do not want to be hurt either. 


 

today is just not a good day. period

sometimes i think i am such a fucking bitch for having inner voices that tell me this and that. inner voices that tell me other people are fucking assholes and bitches. i tell myself it is just me being a spoilt brat. but sometimes i think my voices are true.

today. S' friend was being a fucking douche bag. he told me i am fat. yes. simply because i told him i just bought packages of good food. which i bought to share with my friends. then he told me my ed hardy iphone case is fake. i told him i bought it at the apple store. still he said it's fake. hemmm. can see how someone is being mature.

then i saw S. it was just. fuck this shit moment. then my friends were being fickle and everything. i just hate it when they say they want to study and all that shit but they don't. please. mature up. this is why i choose to be alone most of the time. you like some people, you talk to them, you decide to spend more time together, then BOOM. they crush your expectations to ashes.

like. get serious. i feel like crying. it is just so annoying. i feel like killing myself in these times. maybe i am being a drama queen. but i just cannot tell anyone about this. it is so annoying. the moment i tell this to someone, they will think i am such a complaining spoiled brat who cannot stop hating. like when i decided to tell S about my feelings and thoughts about some people. then he judged me for being this rich spoiled kid.

yes people have their own problems. but i am just reaching my limit. yes i should be grateful with my life. but right now i really cannot see how i should be grateful. i hate it. i hate everything. i just want to run away. i want to pass my exams. i hate my dad. thank you dad for giving me this shitty life. i hope your daughter dies. i hope your new wife dies. i hope you die soon. i fucking hate you. it all started with you. i really hope you die.

if it had not been for you, my life would have not been like this. i hate you.

people expect all the good things from you. they don't know that you have your own limits as well. just because i am nice, i never complain, i follow you guys everywhere, it does not mean that i never get pissed. i had enough. honestly.

if people are going to hate me for my full of hatred posts, i am sorry. but writing these posts keeps me sane.

okay now i am going to focus on studies.

sorry readers. i am definitely not the nicest person you have seen/met. i am trying to be the best version of myself but sometimes, it is just so fucking hard.