am i good enough?

sometimes i wonder why i am here. in this world. it is so weird.

some other soul deserves this life more than me.

i definitely have not been appreciating life as i should have.


i find it so hard to balance out what goes in my brain and what is happening outside. 

people always think that i am such a bubbly personality. nice. fun. all that.

well. i am not. i have this huge emo dark side to me that everyone seems to fail to understand. i don't even fucking understand myself. sometimes i just want to be alone in the corner and hope i am invisible to everyone.

deep down i hate myself. i hate why i am not smart enough. why i am not as good looking as my cousin, T, or my sis. i hate why i am so fat. i hate why i have to stand out of the crowd because of my body size. i hate why people always look at me. maybe i am being paranoid. but i hate it. i hate how there are so many things revolving in my head regardless what i do. 

am i actually good enough to be in medical school?

do i actually deserve this life i am living?

maybe if i die, it would be so much better for my mom. she already had two other successful kids.

oh well. i better study. make use of my time. rather than talking nonsense in this blog.
but again, this is my blog. i am free to write whatever i want. see? maybe i am schizophrenic. 
 

ciao.